I'm tired....

 I'm tired of crying every single day, numerous times a day at that. I've been told everything I do is wrong. I think I'm finally doing better, but nope. I get a "slap" in the face back to reality. I get a good day and then numerous bad days after that one good one. I try so hard starting my days off good but I keep getting pulled back into the darkness. I'm an asshole because I want my own private spaces to say what I want to say. I'm an asshole because I sit in my corner all day and ignore the world. My body and soul are just trying to make it to bedtime each and every day. Sure I know that's no kind of life to live but it's all I can do right now to push forward. 

I used to be this happy girl who sat at her computer, who would write stories all day long to pass time by. I would smile and laugh with my friends. That's not the case anymore. I sit in my chair in my corner and cry. I dread every conversation because I know it'll end in a fight. Why don't i just leave you might ask? Where would I go? I don't have family that gives a fuck I can run to. I have kids who don't understand change because they deal with things emotionally different than we do. 

I mention I used to write....I would write about females essentially being rescued by their prince charming. Yeah, I live in that dream world still. All my stories have that happy ending factor, because everyone deserves a happy story. I keep telling myself that my story isn't over, but it's getting harder and harder to believe my own words. Why can't I be brave like the characters I write about or RP as? 

Streaming makes me happy these days. But some days my viewers know even if I'm not streaming that my mood is off. I will be gaming with someone who is streaming and they will ask them whats wrong with me because I'm so quiet. I'm not a quiet person. I'm loud and silly and obnoxious. Sometimes my mood gets shifted during stream because things are said that immediately switch my mood. 

I'm a little under 2 weeks out from the one year anniversary and my mood gets worse and worse as it approaches. I'm trying hard to be a better person. I really am but I keep getting pushed back down by comments. So I throw on Spotify and listen to my instrumental music that generally mellows me out. 

Imagine....as I'm typing this more guilt trips are laid on me. I am done caring. I will bury myself back into a hole where no one will be able to pull me out. Death sounds so much better than this.... I'm just done.....my kids deserve their happy mother back and not the bitch I've become. Fly fly fly little bird......

You think you know me....

 Been awhile again. I'm sure this post will have many typos considering I'm doing this from my phone. Same story. Different month. I've been yelled at the past 2-3 weeks because apparently I talk too much to someone. I get the eye rolls the moment he walks into the dining room because I'm talking with this person. This person has become a great friend over the past couple of months. I'm sorry I don't talk with you every waking hour of the day. By the time you wake up, I'm streaming and by the time I'm done, I'm ready for bed. I'm sorry I bury myself in the pc but it is my addiction I'm trying to control. I'm having fun w friends. I'm building a story for people to watch but you're letting your jealousy take over and at some point will end up ruining my rp storyline because you think im doing more than playing a video game. If I was doing more, you'd know it since you go through all my messages anyways. Jamie is my escape from real life. I get to be a crazy psycho chick who can't drive worth beans, stabs cops, but ends up falling for a cop instead. Sounds like a great movie to me honestly. But if you ask hubby, I spend too much time making people laugh. Any of you reading this know how hard I work. I stream and deal w my kids at the same time! My amazing mods inform chat when I'm dealing with them. Do I wish I could be Jamie IRL? Sometimes I do because she's got amazing strength I don't have. Jamie has had some interesting stories but this one has been a very unique one that I have been enjoying. So yeah, I talk w my other half of RP a lot. We talk about RP stuff though and our kids. As Jamie says a lot, you have got to learn to trust more.....I tried helping you tonight and you decided to do something else so I then helped my friend out and while doing so you decided then to do what i thought you were doing when you first got on the pc, but I got shit on because I was helping him first. I'm not changing Jamie's story right now. Its been too great. He needs to learn that im not fucking going anywhere. 15 years and im still here. Thats gotta count for something. I love you all and I'm sorry for venting but I needed to get it out. #JamieAndSammy

I saw you again...

 I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes because for the first time in almost 9 months, I saw you in my dream. We didn't get to speak because i was walking down some stairs to head into another room, but you were sitting on a couch. For some reason your legs were in some black leg braces, which was weird to me. On top of seeing you, I saw Pa(Grandpa) in my dreams as well. I didn't get to speak with him either. It hurt we didn't get to talk, but it was good to see you again. I do nothing but cry still. I wish I could stop the pain, but I can't. I've always heard it gets easier as time passes but it hasn't gotten any easier. These past months I've been doing anything and everything to keep my mind busy but the moment I step into my van, I just listen to music and cry. Sometimes I'll sit at the pc and cry. I know you wouldn't want me crying over you but it's hard. The positive things going for me right now are that for some reason people find me hilarious on Twitch. I've slowly been growing. You'd probably laugh at all the stupid shit I do. I keep chugging along and growing my little community. The kids keep doing stupid shit that would make you laugh. Brianna is sitting next to me and she just said "Dicks" so I'm doing this parenting thing well I guess. I've gained some "family" over these months as well. People who I consider brothers and sisters who have helped me so much threw all of this. They let me vent to them if necessary or we just sit around and hang on the video games. I still wish I understood why you did what you did, but I don't think I ever will. I love you and miss you a lot and will keep on trucking through life the best I can. 

Thoughts rolling

 I don't even know where I want to start with this post as I have a million things running through my mind. So I'm just going to type out what's going through it I guess. Sitting and listening to a song currently that I've heard my son, who is 7 by the way, listening to at times. Now I may be reading into more than I should, but maybe I'm not. Sometimes kids try telling us stuff without telling us. He seems to listen to it a bit after getting yelled at. The song is called Love is Gone by SLANDER.

I finally sat and listened to it, and I hope these feelings aren't running through him because it would break my heart completely. Alex has been quite the handful lately. He's been getting yelled at numerous times a day. I need to figure something out. Last weekend I took 3 of the kids to the aquarium. We were good until we hit the gift shop which you have to walk through to exit the building. Kind of sucks honestly. Alex started up though because he wanted to buy something and I'm like no we don't have the money so within 2 seconds I was a mean mommy and some other choice words. So we went from a good day of having fun at the aquarium to a crap drive home. Alex has always been a handful and we do have good days that i enjoy when they happen. He vibes off of me though as well and I need to get better about keeping my mood up as well. I yell at everyone else about that but fail to do the same for myself. I need some ideas or something for a me and Alex day. Something he might enjoy. Hard to do much with the weather getting colder with outside stuff. I know we'll figure something out though. 

Relationship stuff going on right now. As of right now we're doing good. We did have some issues that got sorted. Had to have a talk and explain numerous times that I was only friends with someone and nothing more. Unfortunately happens every time I hang more with guy friends. It's automatically I'm trying to get in their pants. No. Not the case. This friend is more along the lines of adopted little brother now. Friends and family help each other out any way they can and I did that for this person over the past few months and will continue to help them out if I can. Even if it's just by talking, because lets face it, we all need to vent at times. I don't mind being an ear for anyone to just vent. I don't mind helping out either as long as I'm able to. 

Streaming life right now. Gosh where do I begin? Streams have been going really well. I've been on a Friday evening schedule lately. I like doing the Friday streams. Sometimes throw in a surprise Saturday or Sunday if possible. Hell I threw in a Monday stream the other day and had a good time. Jamie is living her best life right now. She is no longer with The Stone Family. She helped create the current group she's in with a few friends and her mans is back in the city. They are now in SoT...no not Sea of Thieves. LOL. Sinners of Truth. I like it. It's catchy. We're a motorcycle gang or club as they are called in the RP world. Is Jamie an excellent motorcycle driver? Ummmm..... you decide by watching the tiktok. Jamie's new Bike Jamie and friends will be moving to a new server when it's finished. It's still being worked on. The plan when we move servers is to memory wipe our characters. So Jamie, Sadie, and Bobby will be re-meeting one another and I can't wait to play that out. Not too sure if Jamie will be starting from scratch relationship wise or what. Those details haven't been worked out. The server move will hopefully be in the next month or so. It's a process getting a server ready. Until then, all the shenanigans on OverTime RP.

The holidays are approaching quickly. It's freaking scary as hell. The kids all do electronics so I just don't know what to do for gifts except money for games and stuff for them but thats hard to put under the tree. Brie likes books so she'll get a bunch of those I'm sure. Kayla is big into anime. Alex and Emma are the hard ones. Roblox and Fortnite mostly. I'll figure something out as I always do. 

I think for now my brain is empty on thoughts I wanted to type out. Still don't really know what to do with my hands. It's a big thing I say lately. So I'm going to figure something out to do. Maybe a little power wash sim. Hope you all have a good day! Love you all!

It's just RP...

 

              Boy, 2 posts within a week or two of each other. Stop the presses. I needed to do some more venting though. Last night I had gotten into an argument with the hubby about something in my mind that was dumb. So as I stated in my last post, I do some RPing on GTA. My character I play on has had the most wild 2 weeks! Let's roll it back though and give you some backstory on Jamie since she's been in the big city now....

               Jamie Fraser(if you know, you know) moved to the city around mid May this year. She stayed pretty quiet for the first few days and did some fishing and some mining. On one of her trips into the gas station to grab food, she had met Gary Longbottom. He attempted to steal her car....allegedly. After that meeting, the two would talk from time to time and Gary would bring Jamie chickie nuggs. Since Jamie didn't have a place to stay Gary gave her keys to his place. From there, the relationship took off. Now Gary is a crim in the city, so he spends a lot of time in jail. Jamie wouldn't really ask him about his business because she didn't want to know. She felt the less she knew, the better. 

                Gary asked Jamie to marry him around a month ago I wanna say while they were having a fun party night on a boat. Jamie was pretty excited about it because it meant double wedding with her friend Xena. Jamie was excited about getting to start wedding planning and getting things going.

                 This past month though, Gary has had issues flying into the city and even seeing Jamie because conflicting schedules and all. Jamie has started to get lonely over this past month. On one of her trips to the smelter(where you take mining materials to get metals made to make other items), Jamie made a wrong turn and ran into a huge propane tank. Enter in Lt John Collins, the only officer in the city that night who came to save her. Jamie was a little slap happy from the explosion and may have called him daddy. That kicked off their joking around with each other every time they would run into each other.

                   John and Jamie were both going through some things so they took a day, got dressed up and went out around the city. This day was such a disaster. John fell off Mt Chilliad, John caught himself on fire at the beach, and then Jamie got a little too close to the military base. It was a very rough day for sure.

                 Jamie and John's big thing is just sitting and talking though. Jamie feels like she can be more of herself with him. Guilt slowly started to eat at her though and she got a little drunk one night with John and ended up on a Yacht with John.

 

                  

                   Yup, Jamie ended up cheating on Gary. Now Jamie can't seem to stay away from John because she did grow to have feelings for him. Now with Gary having issues flying in, she's stuck right now. She wants to move forward with John but can't do anything until she speaks with Gary. Friends have started questioning why Jamie is hanging around John so much and getting suspicious. So Jamie has a lot on her plate right now and many decisions to make.

                      Now with all this backstory out there, IRL hubby has gotten angry with me for making Jamie be this way. He thinks Jamie is my way of being able to flirt with other guys. I looked at him angrily and told him, "it's RP, not real life. Nothing is happening between me and any of these guys I talk with." He's taking this more seriously than he needs to and not deciphering the RP from real life. He started this argument while i was playing last night which actually effected my RP. I went pretty silent last night while playing when generally I'm loud and out there. It hurts me a lot to think that I'm taking this all as real life type situations and i actually love these guys. I love them as friends and talk with them in discord but just as friends. IRL Gary is married with 4 kids as well so we have that in common and IRL John has a GF. I play a game with friends and escape my real life and now I'm getting treated poorly for the actions MY CHARACTER is playing. I just hope he finally understands at some point that I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing.

                       

                 I know this was probably a weird post for some of you, but thank you for letting me vent. I needed it. I think Jamie update posts will be a thing coming up so I can keep the posts going. Also if you'd like to keep up with any of the Jamie/Gary/John storylines, we all stream or there are streams you can check out where those characters will make appearances.

Jamie Fraser

Gary Longbottom

John Collins

Chase McDade

Depression is a killer

                       

                       I didn't realize it has been like 9 months since I've posted a blog. My depression has taken over more than I care to admit anymore. The biggest blow to my depression came in May. I was just casually sitting around for the day watching Twitch I'm sure and enjoying my May 5th(Revenge of the Fifth if you will) Well phone calls and texts came through that eventually lead to me learning that my brother had killed himself. Learning the news my chest felt heavy and I felt like I couldn't breathe and that it was just a dream. It wasn't real. I ran to my bedroom gasping for my breath and trying to wake Joey. When he finally was able to understand me through my screaming and crying he held me and let me cry. My first call was to one of my besties(Adrienne) and she just let me cry and talk when I needed to. I had called my other bestie(Amber) but she was at work. I had left her a voicemail saying to call me back when she could. She called me back not much longer after knowing something was wrong because I never call and leave voicemails.

                       After I got off the phone with them, I had to start making the family phone calls. Actually the family phone calls came first, then I called the besties. Sorry. Brain is braining today. As always after I couldn't get a hold of my mom, I called the first family member I always call....my nephew Nick. We've always been first phone calls with family deaths. In the case of my other brother who had passed due to a heart attack, Drew was my first call but he had his phone on do not disturb. But then Nick was the next call. Me and Nick are more like siblings rather than nephew and aunt since we have a 4 year age gap. And as with any family death, everyone came to my house.

                        My family is not one to really show emotions. The people who came over were my mom, sister, nephew, niece, and my brothers ex(Frank). You may ask yourself why my brothers current BF at the time was not involved too much with talking with the family and coming over to figure things out. Well, one he doesn't drive. Two, he was partial reason to blame for my brothers death. I know what you're thinking, don't play the blame game. He was cheating on my brother though which lead to some depression eating at my brother and the cheating was the final straw. When Frank got to my house, i gave him a long hug and just cried. 

                          Planning everything for my brother was something I never wanted to do. I kept telling everyone that I think once we have the funeral, I'll be ok. I will be at peace going through this and just letting his soul rest. For the first time ever, I don't feel at peace. I still feel like this isn't real and it will be 3 months in August already. With every funeral I've been to with someone I've loved, there's always been a body for me to see and make the realization they are gone. I didn't get that with Drew because He shot himself in the head. I was told it was best I didn't see him. I agreed to that. I didn't get the closure I wanted though and I hate that. I don't know what I can do at this point for the closure I need. 

                         My depression has been awful over these past 2.5 months. I have days where I just don't talk to people and they text saying, are you ok? Are you alive? I then have to tell them I'm okay but just having a day. They understand, but I hate that I'm still this way. I wanna be myself again. I feel like I'm Robin Williams trying to make the world smile and have a smile on my face but deep down I'm crying and screaming inside to just be done with life too. I can't leave my babies though. They need me. So I'm not gonna take that way out. 

                         The best therapy I've gotten over these past 2 months is getting into some roleplay on GTA. I mod for an amazing streamer on Twitch who does GTA RP and after watching him for over a year, I thought I would give it a go. The people I have met in just these 2 months have been amazing fucking human beans(yup I said beans) and I love them all. All the laughs we have and all the adventures we go on. 

                           The one person I met not long after getting in the city, as we say, hit my soul a little more. She rolled up in a truck that was painted like the Scooby Doo vehicle. My brother loved Scooby Doo so I think that was him from above sending Miss Salley into my life for fun and laughs and just chill girl hangout time. We run around with Xena at times and cut chickens heads off. 

                            I want to say thank you to all of my "family" for making a lot of my days better even though at times after I would "fly out" I would go back into my depression. So thank you to Ben, Xena, Chase, Ed, Bobby, Cat, Don, Preston, Skippy, Steven, Bernard, Victor, Shoresy, James, John, Smiley, Mac, Phyl, Royce, Salley, and Tony. A huge special thank you to my in game fiance Gary. I love all of you guys and thank you for bearing with me on my quiet days. Sometimes I just needed to be in the city and just listening to you guys be nuts. Theres a few new members of the family who I haven't had much contact with but I love you guys as well!

                           Also Ben(Stone), you almost made me cry the other day. When we did the scene of you telling Jamie you knew I had an uncle in the city, you worded it the way my brother used to word stuff. "A little birdie told me". When me and my brother would keep secrets from people we would say that and I was always the little birdie to him. So thank you! Love you lots bud!

                            I know my brother is in a better place but I just wish he wouldn't have taken the way out that he did. I would've sat and talked with him. I always tell everyone I will sit and talk with them through anything. I know people are still reaching out for me to make sure I'm still okay. A lot of times I say no. I'm still not doing well. I hope at some point I do get to say I am doing a lot better and back to myself. 

                            So please, if you are someone who is not doing well, reach out to a friend or family member. They will sit and listen because planning a funeral for someone you love when they don't expect it is the worst. I will always love my big brother. I miss you a lot Drew Nerd. I still can't go in the basement at night because of you but I love you.

Exhausted from depression

                              Well as you can see from the title, I am exhausted lately. I've hit a huge slump and nothing makes me happy anymore. I do stuff that has always made me happy and not even that works right now. I want to sleep 24/7 but that is not doable considering I am Mom and Mom can't do that. Mom has to mom. I try hyping myself up to get through the day, and I do get through it. 

                               Yesterday I had been hyping myself up all week knowing I was gonna get to sit and play catch up on TV shows with hubby. He seemed like he didn't even want to be sitting with me and watching our usual shows. He just seemed pissy and angry. I get excited when I get to watch stuff that I enjoy. He complains we don't do anything together and then when we do, well, he gets like that. Him being like that causes me to get in a slump then.

                              I sit and write when I can and the past week I haven't wanted to write at all. I get the stuff written that I want to get it down and all, but then I stop and just sit and stare at the computer monitor. My house is slowly falling apart too. The kitchen is a disaster and I have no fucking will or energy to clean it. I forced myself to do laundry yesterday. I still have like a load or two to go which isn't awful, but getting the energy to do it sucks. 

                              I sat with my daughter one day this week to talk about stuff going on in her life and it instantly drained all of my energy. When I have any type of conversation thats serious and needs done, my energy just poofs away. I wish people understood this. Just talking about stuff that bothers me is mentally draining and then being pushed to talk about it at times just makes the drainage worse. I'm exhausted just writing any of this. That's how bad it's gotten.

                               Some people think that when the depression is this bad, just to end it. Have I thought about that? Yeah, I have, but then what does that solve? I leave family and friends wondering why? And sad and depressed because I'm gone. That's not fair to do that to anyone. I don't want to leave my kids wondering why mommy was so down that she had to do that. 

                               So I think for right now I keep trying to do things that make me happy to see if I can get my happiness back. List of things that make me happy.....

1. Gaming
2. writing
3. going out and spending time with the kids
4. watching my shows

                           Those are a few things that keep me going. Also, it's the start of the holiday seasons starting. I hate the holidays anymore. I'm hoping this year I can get away with just getting the kids a couple of things. I don't wanna go overboard with crap they won't use anymore. All they do is sit on electronics. I'll get them Roblox cards and they can do whatever with them.

                                So I mentioned about watching my shows before. You ask, hmm...what does Sparrow like to watch? Well we watch Law and Order SVU and Law and Order Organized Crime.

             I was beyond excited when I heard Chris Meloni was coming back to be Elliot Stabler. Now I will say if you're behind and just starting with the new show, you have to flip back and forth between Organized Crime and SVU because they do crossover a lot. It's been very awesome seeing him back in the Law and Order world. All good stuff so far.

                Not a fan of this season's look though. Praying he gets to shave this off at some point. He is one of the few who I don't think can pull this look off. I like him clean shaven.

                 Last night we also sat and watched a movie. We watch Spiral with Chris Rock and Samuel L. Jackson. Spiral comes from the book of Saw. so it's a Saw movie. Did I enjoy it? It was alright. I feel like there could have been more traps in the movie. I think there was a grand total of 4? It wasn't much. I felt like it wasn't a true Saw movie because not a lot of traps. Am I curious to know if there's going to be another movie? Yeah, I am. There's definitely an opening for another to be made.

              Chris Rock did a very good job with the role he played in the movie. Would it be one of the Saw movies I say was amazing? No. I wouldn't. The best will always be the very first one. Nothing will ever top that one in my eyes. 

               I want to sit and watch Black Widow today but I have a feeling it's not going to happen because raisins. (yes I just said raisins. It's the new way to say reasons. lol)

               I have to go out today and get two kiddos picture day clothes. I asked my oldest where she wants to go and she's like Hot Topic. I'm like oh. Okay. Yeah, Kayla isn't a girly girl anymore. She likes anime and goth type stuff. I don't mind. I want her to be her herself and if that's what makes her comfy, then by all means, go for it. So we'll see what she wants to wear for picture day. Alex may not have a choice. I may pick his clothes out. 

              Next weekend we're going costume shopping. Kayla actually already got hers because we had to order from Amazon. She's being a character from My Hero Academia.

           Emma wants to be Anna from Frozen and Alex wants to be Spiderman(of course). I have been told that I have to be Jack Sparrow because I am Sparrow. So I think I found a girly type Jack Sparrow costume I wanna get. The other downside about Halloween is that it's a Sunday. Which means Hubby will be working. Which means if we go trick or treating, I'm taking the kids by myself. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I need a city that's doing this on Saturday so I can have a little help. I'm not sure what I want Brianna to be yet. She loves Blue's Clues and Bubble Guppies. Maybe I can find something. 

             But that's all I have for now. Gonna try lifting my head up high and continuing on with whatever life this is. I shall speak with you guys when I can!

I thought things were going good

Well, I'm here so that must mean something is bothering me enough to want to share. How did my summer go you ask? Well, my daughter got surgery. She did amazing and had the cast for a month. I had to carry her when she needed to get moved around. She's slowly getting back on her feet. She uses her walker at home.

Here's a pic of her in the cast. Getting the cast off was a fun adventure. Took the nurse a few minutes because it was not wanting to come off at all.

This is a pic right after. She had pins in her foot that got removed. Her foot is all healed up now. As I said above, she is using her walker to get around the house. At school she has been using a wheelchair but the school nurse decided to call and bitch about that one today. I get she needs to be up more to get muscles working but I'm not trying to exhaust the girl so quickly. So Monday I will be sending her to school with her walker. I better hear that they give her ample time for walking around the building or I will fight someone.

What else is going on in my life? The kids are back in school for the year. So during the day it's just me and the baby. I say baby even though she's 3. She is the baby though so yeah. She has to go for some testing because it's looking as if she may have Autism or some form of it. The testing will give us answers. I also need to get her going with some speech therapy and occupational therapy. Lots of fun stuff with her during the next year I'm sure.

How is my streaming going? I've moved stream down to one day a week and it's been going great for me honestly. I have also cut Battle Royale games from my streams. Been doing a lot of Single player story type games. The last few games have been horror games. Everyone seems to love a good jump scare from me. Definitely been boosting the views which has been fun seeing myself grow little by little. Baby Steps.

Now I say streams have been going good and they have, until I get screamed at for stuff happening in chat. Now if you know me, you know I've had a gutter brain since middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL. This is nothing new to people. Does gutter brain come out on stream? Fuck yeah it does. So if you come in my stream and people happen to be using the word dildo, it's because i said something. Does it carry on the whole stream? No. We move on after a minute or so. Everyone uses sexual innuendos. It's just how times are these days. If you come in my stream and tell me the streamer to chill out, I'm gonna say something. I don't care who you are. Yes me and hubby got into it because I had complete control of MY stream and he flips out on a few people. I'm like yes we talked about dildos because there was an object in the game I was playing that looked like one. Did we talk about it the rest of stream? Nope. We didn't. After a minute or two, everyone went back to trying to help me out because I was stuck on a part for like 40 minutes. (I now have PTSD over mannequins)

But yelling at me about something as dumb as that is ridiculous. Then to top it off, today's argument was really stupid. I'm not a fan of those huge paranormal shows on TV because I feel like they do stuff at times for the views. Well a friend of mine does Paranormal investigations and has posted stuff on YouTube. Check out Zero! He has a fucking shit fit because I will jump to watch a friend doing this but won't watch the stuff on TV with him. I tried explaining that I think the stuff on TV is fake and he's like well how do you know his stuff isn't fake? Um, I sat in voice chat with him and watched him edit the fucking video! As always though I'm in the wrong. 

I've done nothing but cuddle with my new Squishmallow today because I just need all the squishes. Is it helping? A little. Have I cried? Absolutely. Am I tired of crying? Yeah. We've had a good few months and here we are again. Torn down and beat up.(not literally) Can we also talk about the fact that "Thunder Rolls" just started playing as I started typing this paragraph. Crazy how our playlists know us. 

On a final note before I end this post, if you're in The Basement discord or even my own discord server, if I'm in a VC and not talking, I'm having a rough day and just want to listen to others talk. I don't want to talk or even start crying, but just be happy to be around friends that make me smile. Love you all and until next time!

  

Why do I do this to myself?

 Well here I am. Something stupid must have happened in my life again for me to be here to tell you guys about it. Well it did so, that's what I plan on doing. 

 Saturday I had planned a month before hand on going out to lunch with my bestie for her birthday. It ended up turning into me going with 2 of my besties since their birthdays are just 2 days apart. Originally we planned on going to McAlister's Deli and i was going to surprise them and pay for it. Well, I got there and bestie texts and says "hey, Brian is treating, you wanna go somewhere else?" I'm like "it's your birthday, you pick." So we ended up going to B.J's Steakhouse. Very good food! Highly recommend. Well I was in a mood that day already because I had found out an old friend had passed away a few years back. So I'm like fuck it! I'm gonna drink. I had ONE margarita....okay, I'll be realistic. I had 1/4th of a margarita, but I'm a suuuuuuuuper lightweight and yeah. So we ate our food and drank our drinks. After that we went to the mall, TJ MAXX, 5 Below and Burlington. Well we ended up being out from 2 until 730. I got home at 8.

 Well with me being out alll day long like that, apparently it means I was out with more than just my friends. I was questioned who all I was with. I was furious when I was asked this. I'm like I was with my girls and my girls only. Then he decided my girls boyfriend was with us because he had paid for the food. I'm like he wasn't. Not even sure why that would matter. So the long and short of the situation is, he thinks I was out cheating because I was out as long as I was. 

 I've been pissed off and angry for the past 24 hours. He's been childish and not speaking to me because who the hell even knows. I've avoided doing things while he's home because hey, might get accused of cheating again. So now it seems I cant even hang out with my girls without getting accused of shit. I guess I'm just destined to be stuck in the house forever and play house wife.

 

I feel like Cinderella and hell even Belle at times....Stockholm Syndrome. I can't leave because I have no family to take me and 4 kids in. My mother currently lives with us and she would be the only one I would go to. I can't go out and get a job because no one to watch the kids. I'm trying to make money doing the twitch thing, but I can never enjoy myself when I stream anymore. I've buried myself in my PC playing Sims because it's the only enjoyment I get anymore. Can't be trusted anymore with anything......just let the depression go even further in.

 

Why?

 I wish I could understand why these things keep happening. I meet great people and then shit hits the fan and I have to pull myself from everyone. This whole year has been a fucking shit show. Yeah I may never meet these people in real life but with a pandemic going on, they've become "family" to me. It showed me that there are fun crazy people like me in this world. I feel like I'm just never allowed to be a part of something good anymore. Now my depression is kicked in worse than what it was. It's going to get to the point of shutting everyone I know out. All the fun I've had over the months, will be gone. I'll go back to that person that would do nothing but sit and watch TV. I don't want that to be me again. Doing what I was doing 3 times a week gave me something to look forward to. The way things are now, I'm not going to have that anymore because fuck my happiness. It all comes down to one thing...jealousy. He's jealous because I got into an amazing community and he's pissed because he was the one who wanted to be the streamer. He's mad I got affiliate. He's mad I'm doing what he wanted to do. He can say he's not jealous all he wants but he is. So now I get screwed out of being a part of great communities because now I'll never be comfortable doing community stuff with them because he'll be in the background making snarky fucking comments and making me uncomfortable. 

So here's the background story for those of you reading with great confusion. I was doing the Mod thing on Monday night in a friends stream. He planned on playing Call of Duty and i generally play with him if there's room and my kids are behaving. Well lucky me, the two noisy kids were asleep. So I'm like yeah, I can hop on. Another member of the community saw I was already on and waiting in my own lobby for a moment and asked if he could join me. I said I'm going to be joining my friend who was streaming. I then notice after typing that in stream chat that the guy had messaged me on Discord asking if he could join me again. Then I flip my monitor over to the game screen and see he's messaged me on game chat asking to join. I'm like what the fuck? I told him no. I brought to the attention of other Mods. I had already been having a bad day and was annoyed, frustrated at this point and just shaking with anger to the point of I started crying. All he had asked was "hey, can I join?" 3 times on 3 different platforms even though I had told him I was already playing with the streamer. I don't think that qualifies as harassment, but I'm not a lawyer. I can't ever win arguments in my household so I was wrong no matter what I said. 

The depression is even getting to a point of telling me to just give up with streaming. That's how low I've been feeling this week. I can't take the stress with everything anymore and I just don't know what to do. I've left the community I enjoyed a lot. Did I want to? No. I enjoy everyone's company. I just don't know what to do at this point. Can't even sit here and write a Blog in peace because it's..."who are you writing to?" "You have to be writing to someone being that long." I just fucking give up......... 

I hate Birthdays.......

 Yesterday was my birthday. Normal people would know it's their birthday because it's their special day. They get to have a good day filled with happiness. My day was filled with nothing but tears and being miserable. I had a few good moments, but mostly I dealt with tears and stress. I'm still dealing with the same tears and stress as yesterday. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm constantly being talked down upon. And if you think I'm exaggerating, let me post a video for you all.....

That's the reality of my life this past year. It sucks. Then I get talked down on when I try doing anything to hang out with my video game friends. I'm not allowed to hang with most of them because they are male. I only run into issues when I decide to hang with the opposite sex. We are only sitting there playing video games. Nothing else is being done. So why do I get treated this way? I just want to have one stream go perfectly. The last month I think I've not had one stream without a fight breaking out like that. Today's argument was the same as always. I'm like we play well together. That's why the 4 of us play together. Video game time is my time to get away from the world. 

This past year has sucked and I need some kind of escape from reality. I hate sitting and watching TV in my own living room because our furniture is beyond fucked up. When I get new furniture then maybe I'll spend a little more time in my living room. For now though, I'll sit in my corner in the dining room. My corner where I can keep an eye on two kids while they do school work during the day. It's been my corner for almost a year now. Almost like Rapunzel's tower. I'm tired of doing online school and I have no other fucking options to relieve some of my stress. The superintendent won't send the kids back until the staff is vaccinated. My mentality can't take this shit anymore. I know I'm not alone in all of this and there are so many parents who feel the same way. It's fucking exhausting trying to teach these kids at home. I'm trying to deal with 3 grade levels and I just fucking can't.

My whole house life has fallen apart this past year because I just can't do shit anymore. Laundry gets done when it fucking gets done. Dishes get done if they're lucky. Yeah, shit has gotten that bad. Is my house clean? God fucking no. If I had it my way, I would put everything on the curb and toss it. If I was a drug head, a needle would have gone in my arm by now. I feel like drinking my self to death, but then I would be my father. I don't want that. I want to be better than that and I am trying to do better for myself. 

In October I made affiliate on Twitch which means I can earn money. Lately though I just can't seem to get shit going because of these fights breaking out while I'm on stream. I know this is a journey that will take time and won't happen over night. I fully accept that, but when new people come in and see me feeling down and not my bubbly self, then I lose out on someone sticking around. I have friends who are good players and that's why I choose to play with them. Then that circles back around to the fights though. It sucks.

If the weather was warmer, I would start going on walks or jogs to get out of the house. That's been the biggest issue this past year. Being stuck in the house because of fucking Covid. That's a goal I want to set for myself. When the weather gets warmer, I want to take walks or runs. Let my music blast in my ears and just get away from it all! I think that would help me out a lot. 

As for my birthday.....I didn't get a nice dinner or even a cake. I guess I just wasn't good enough to deserve that after everything I do for this family. I wanted one nice day for myself and couldn't get that. 

I literally don't even know what the topic is for this post. It was just me rambling. I'm sorry for rambling. I needed to get things off my chest. At this point I just want to sleep for days on end and not wake up or stay awake and not go to sleep so I can just be alone. I can't do anything alone. I stay up as late as I can and I still don't get that alone time because I'm constantly being watched and monitored like a fucking child. Just give me my peace and quiet. Give me my alone time........

Take a glimpse into my life

 So I'm gonna deep dive into my life with this post. I don't do that a lot anymore because in my head, I have decided that no one will care because everyone else is going through the same thing. I don't talk about things because my self esteem is so low anymore about myself. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and it's going to sound like I'm rambling in this post, but I'll try to gather my thoughts in an organized way.

I'm so emotionally drained with my life right now that I don't even know how to feel anymore. Crying used to help me get everything out but when you cry too much, it just doesn't help anymore. The pandemic has broken me as a human being. I've done the whole staying inside and I understand I'm not the only one going through this but for someone like me who has problems with depression and all, it's been beyond hard. Being confined all the time is awful. Yeah I get out to the grocery store, but that has been my extent of going out since March. Yeah I've had a few times where I did get out a little more, but not really. I have lost any kind of emotion or anything towards anyone. I've deep dived into my emotions so much that I shut everyone out and it's getting worse and worse by the day. I would rather sit and be in my thoughts all day long. I push everyone away and don't even care at this point. I would sleep all day if I had the choice. My sleep is so beyond fucked up. Sleep half the day away and stay up all night. 

The kids have been at each other's throats and I feel like I'm failing as a parent. Every day it's something different with them. My 11 year old wrote on her homework that she wanted to hang herself. It was a cry for attention. So that made me feel like a failure. When I vent on Facebook about struggling with the kids at times, people joke and say "well you shouldn't have had so many." Well guess what? I never expected to be living life through a fucking pandemic. Don't tell me what to do with my life and how many kids I should or shouldn't have. Yeah, I'm struggling with the online learning. I know all of us parents are. It's been hard these months. Hell, we're all still having issues with it. When I do have the good days, I'm so happy inside because we don't get those days a lot with online learning. I hope at some point the kids can go back and have some kind of normalcy.

Another reason I shut friends out is the controlling issues I'm dealing with. (Yeah, we're about to deep dive hard now) My gamer family knows that I have to answer who I play with at all times. I'm constantly questioned when gaming online and I seem to never be allowed to play on my own. When I'm watching a friend stream, I can't even seem to be in their stream without being followed in and monitored on what the hell I say in chat. I feel like a fucking prisoner and I can't say anything because I don't want a fight breaking out. I am being controlled and mentally abused and I have no where to go. This is why I am the way I am sometimes when we game guys. I am being monitored by everything I do and it's fucking awful. Sometimes you hear him in the background yelling and going on like he normally does, but it's fucking awful. I hate it. I'm literally making myself sick writing this because it's a harsh realization what I'm going through. I get screamed at when I play with my gaming friends and have more fun with them. So I hate having fun anymore. So if I was ever in your stream and I went from being silly and crazy to completely quiet, then you know why. I was being yelled at for being fun me. When that happens, my self esteem drops a crap ton. 

I'm an awful person if I don't stick up for him and let others talk shit. Why the fuck should I stick up for you when you control me and mentally abuse me? Explain that to me. I'm not going to stick up for someone treating me like crap. I wish he would see it through my eyes how he was treating me but he doesn't. He thinks he's acting perfectly fine and normal. 

I sit at my PC and write if I'm not on Xbox. I sit and write about girls and guys getting out of relationships and finding that perfect someone. I don't publish my writings anywhere because again, I don't think it's good enough. I've put one story out on a website. Sure it still gets looked at a few times a month but I still don't think it's good enough. 

I've actually emotionally exhausted myself with writing this and just want to go back to sleep. If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. It means a lot. Maybe I'll get back to my old self at some point. Until then, just a life of being worried about saying the wrong thing and messing up as I always do......  

Emotionally Drained

So we're starting our 4th week of social distancing. Emotionally, this has been something really hard, but I know it's the best thing to do right now for everyone. Yeah, I'm someone who listens to the guidelines. I stay home unless I need to go out for groceries. I want this over with and done quickly. The jokes online about how introverts are fine during this isolation period because we're used to it. Well guess what, I'm an introvert and I'm not having an easy time during this. I spend a couple of days a week just crying. I listen to music to try and mellow out but it makes me cry even more. All I want to do is sleep, but I can't because I have 4 kids I need to care for and make sure that they are okay. I scream and yell every day because I don't know how to deal with this. I realize none of us do and I'm not asking for sympathy. I try not watching stuff online because it makes my anxiety worse but then I'm isolating even more. You can't get away from any of it. I play video games to de-stress and we all always end up talking about it because it's the only thing to talk about.

 Alcohol sales in my state have gone up. Honestly, I'm sure that's every state. Have I been drinking more? I have been. I don't drink anything hard. I drink freaking Smirnoff. I drink one and I'm done, but when you find yourself buying more, it's not good. I used to drink maybe once a year. Now I'm drinking 2-3 times a week! I get to my breaking point and I go to the fridge to grab a bottle. There's that Meme on Facebook going around, I forget what the first option is, but the second is coming out of this an alcoholic. I joke and say yup. I'm coming out an alcoholic. I had always told myself I didn't want to drink ever or get out of hand with it because I've seen what the long term effects can do to a person. This is one of the only things helping me cope right now. I have a bottle sitting next to me. I haven't opened it yet. It's just sitting there. We had a fight again.....

Today's argument is me staying up late the past couple of nights. It means I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing. I'm on Xbox playing with friends I have known for 17 years!!! We actually sat and did the math last night because we had talked about it, but when I stay up late, it means I'm being stupid and yeah. I act different according to him. I talk quietly so he can't hear. No, I was talking quite loudly the past couple of days and if I do get quiet, it's because I'm in concentration mode on the game we're playing. Everything I do is put under the microscope though. I'm only allowed to play with a few certain people it seems like. You might ask if we have all these issues pertaining to the Xbox, then why don't I just get rid of it or stay off of it? It's my escape. I've always loved video games. I shouldn't have to give up something I love doing when I'm not even doing anything wrong. I hate that he always thinks I am though. Trust is never going to be given back. I'm tired of standing up for myself when I wasn't doing anything wrong over the weekend. I'm getting my quiet time that I don't get anymore. Am I cranky in the morning from staying up late? Sure, but I still get up before him when I went to bed last and get up with Brianna! So what does that say about me? I tried laying down today an hour after Brianna laid down. I said "Hey, could you keep an ear out for her so I can take a nap?" "Sure." I lay down and not long after, Brianna wakes up. I lay in bed with my eyes closed for 15-20 minutes. She fussed and cried. Never came to grab her. So I got up and didn't bother with my nap. If I want to stay up late to veg out, then fucking let me! It's my time to have sanity.

Yes I bitch and complain about MY kids. How I need space from them at times and need to regain my sanity. I say how I miss my alone time when I didn't have kids. I'm allowed to say stuff like that. Yes I understand I made my choice having 4 kids, but for fucks sake, let me say whatever I fucking want! No, I wouldn't change having them, but of course I'm going to miss my days of freedom. Any person would say the same. Ask any mom out there. They would agree with me. Let us have our jokes on Facebook about missing alone time. In the long run, we wouldn't change having our kids because we love them to death, even though they drive us bat shit crazy. Days when they had school, while they were gone was my alone time. I don't get that time right now because we're all home. I'm trying to keep them entertained and so much more and I've hit my breaking point a lot of times in the past 3 weeks. Again though, I wouldn't change having them. I do love them. Let me bitch about them though. Don't put me down for stupid shit.

So before I go, I leave you with a little bit of funny. We all need to smile when we can because otherwise, we'll end up crying in a corner for days on end. Pull yourself up and out of that bad mood. Take a walk. Take a drive. Advice I should be taking as well. 

Oops, it's been awhile.

So first off, I'd like to say thanks to everyone who has started following me! I'm like wow, people are following me and I haven't typed up a blog since last June. Almost a year, but with everything going on, I decided I needed to write a post. What have we been doing in our household you ask? Well, I'll start with an update on the kids.....

Kayla had started 5th grade this year! It was a big year for us because I realized this would probably be the last year she had class parties for holidays and what not since next year she'd be in middle school. She had some struggles with some things but we got through it and she kept working at it and finally figured it out. Math....this new crap they are teaching the kids sucks! You moms know what I'm talking about.
Emma started Kindergarten this year! I was so excited for this year for her because it's a big year. She would start writing more and learning to read!(sometimes a dangerous thing for us moms when we don't want them knowing what something says) At the middle of the school year around Christmas time she did bring home a letter stating she was behind in her reading, but I was also told a lot of the kids were. The unfortunate circumstances of living in a city with a lot of under privileged kids. I have been working with her when I can. She can read. I've seen her read stuff. Sometimes she just acts lazy and doesn't want to do the work after a long day of school, which I don't blame her at all. She also did have a month(November I believe) where her and Alex were trading sickness back and forth so she missed almost a month of school being medically fragile and her immune system is a little slower.
Alex started Pre-K this year! The first week at drop off was rough. He would cry for me after I walked away, but I kept walking. I had to. He needed to start his learning this year. He struggled some with using the potty at school because it was different for him. It's hard to explain, but he did eventually get the hang of things and he was doing amazingly at last report card check. There's only a couple of things he doesn't know or still struggles with. I'm really proud of how well he was doing.
And finally Brianna. My little troublemaker. She will be 2 in June! This past year she had tear duct surgery because of a blocked tear duct. That surgery literally took 5 minutes. I'm not exaggerating either. At her 18 month check up, her doctor was concerned at the fact that she wasn't talking like other kids her age. Well we also were still on a binki. After that appointment, we tossed binks because she was chewing on them anyways. So we didn't want her choking on them. It was a rough couple of weeks, but she got used to it and is now content without her bink. Yes there are days she just wants cuddles, but that's okay. I don't mind. We cuddle and watch PlutoTV. She loves watching the old Nick Jr shows on there like Blue's Clues, Wallykazam, Fresh Beat Band, and of course Dora. She dances along with them and has fun. She has all her teeth except her molars(I'm not even trying to check) This past week she had a double ear infection and I don't recommend having to put ear drops in a 1 year olds ears. It's a chore.

Onto this past year in my relationship. It has truly been the hardest year of all for us because of mistakes I made. Yes, I said I made mistakes. Instead of talking through things, I decided to be stupid. I made the mistake of talking with someone I had met on Xbox. He lived in a different state, but we both had sent pictures. Joey and I had gotten into a heated argument one day and I let the cat out of the bag about the other guy I was talking with. Joey did leave for a night and left me with the kids. During that night, I didn't have time to process what had happened so I just continued going on with life as I normally did. I got the kids to school and spent time with Brianna during the day. That's all I could do. When he came back home, we talked. Are we back to 100% yet? No. I don't think we ever will be because of broken trust that I caused. I was unhappy in a relationship and chose to be stupid. I was unhappy because Joey was doing so much job jumping. I just wanted one thing in my life to make me smile besides my kids. Am I proud of what I did? No,because these past months since August have been so hard with fighting a lot more and getting emotionally drained. It's been hard but we want to keep trying because on April 26th will be 13 years for us. I don't want to throw away 13 years. He's a good guy when we have a routine of work going along with helping around the house. The routine lately though is gone.

Which brings me to why the routine is gone. We all know why it's gone. Covid-19 or Coronavirus. I live in Cleveland, Ohio. Governor Dewine is doing an incredible job handling this all along with Dr. Acton and Lt. Governor Husted. We get daily press conferences at 2 o clock. Some of you may have seen on twitter #WinewithDewine. Us Ohioans have a crazy sense of humor and have also made up the Dewine bingo game. Hey, we gotta have some humor and fun during this. Cleveland schools are just not doing good with this though. The kids were sent home with packets on their last day of school on March 13th. My kids finished the packets in a week. More stuff is hopefully coming home mid April. They don't have online learning with their peers like some cities I have heard doing, which sucks. I understand it's a new learning experience for us all, but I hope Cleveland gets a better handle on things. My kids are missing out on learning this year. I did take the initiative and downloaded ABC mouse Alex and Emma love it! Thankfully! The downside is when they act up, their tablets get taken away, which means no ABC Mouse. Alex misses the routine of school and his friends. Emma misses her friends. Kayla says she doesn't care but the last day of school, she hugged her teachers goodbye, so I know it's been hard on her too. They are saying this could last the length of summer. We haven't fully shut down school for the year. As of today, we're scheduled to go back the first week of May. You and I know it'll be shut down for the year. We're not dumb. Ohio is supposed to peak the end of April, beginning of May. I never thought in my entire life i would live to see something like this.
How have we been keeping busy you ask? Um, homework that is all done, ABC Mouse, playing with action figures and dollies, tablet time, video games, and catching up on movies.

We watched Chapter 1 and 2 of the It reboot over the past week. Oh my God! It was amazingly done! I liked it a lot! I think Chapter 2 was better in my opinion. I'd say if you have the chance to watch it then do it, but I know almost all of us have the time.

We also watched Joker before all the stay at home stuff started. Wow. Another amazing movie! I think this was the 2nd best Joker in my opinion. Jack Nicholson will always be my fave Joker. Also, give this one a watch!

Come on. You guys knew it was coming. Who hasn't watched this in the entire world yet? What a cluster fuck of oh my God during this 7 episode Netflix documentary. It was a train wreck that you couldn't stop watching. It just kept going "Hold my beer!" and would give you another WTF moment. I don't know if any of the big late night guys have done any interviews but I do know that David Spade interviewed Rick(the director guy) Here's the link to watch it. Lights Out with David Spade
Just look for the interview with Rick Kirkham. He says there was so much more we didn't see and even shares a story of something that was not shown on the documentary.
Other movies we want to watch while being quarantined are the new Sonic the Hedgehog and Onward. Tomorrow we will be watching Onward on Disney+.

One other thing I have been doing during these past months is writing. I have always loved writing. I'm no J.K Rowling though. I've wrote a few things over the months, but have only really liked the way one of them came out. I am more than happy to share it with you guys. If you have a kindle fire, I am able to share it on there. I feel it's easier to read on there. I do also have it posted on a website. I don't like the way the format is on the website though. I will still post a link for you guys though. If I'm being real, it's 72 pages long.....so it's not a quick read. If you do want me to send it to you VIA kindle, then shoot me your kindle email address and I'll send it on over. Here's the link! Brothers

I feel like I could keep typing about everything going on, but I want to save something to chat about for the weekend. So I hope you all are keeping safe out there and social distancing. I wish you well and talk with you all soon!

1 year old!!!

Can you believe we are 1 year old already??? This year has flown by for us but wow what an adventure it's been with 4 kids! Brianna has been my easiest child so far. I mean she was sleeping through the night at 2 months old. How much easier does it get? 

On her birthday, we woke up and went shopping for a few presents. I didn't go all out because she's just not that into toys. She does love what we got her though. I was really excited to go shoe shopping for her because I didn't get to do that with Emma. After shopping and some breakfast, Brianna took a 2 and a half hour nap! I guess shopping and eating was exhausting.

After her nap she spent time playing with her brother and sister. We did cake when her grandma got home.

I did the round cake for the rest of us and Brianna got the chocolate cake all to herself. She was shy about digging in at first but then she finally got brave and was obnoxious with it.

She wasn't too bad to clean up surprisingly. And i was waiting for that sugar crash to hit but she went to bed at her normal time still. I'm like wow. Super girl!

It was a fun first birthday for her and it was just laid back. We didn't have a big party because I'm just over the whole big party thing anymore. She enjoyed her day just the way it was and that's all that matters.

Today we had our 1 year check up! She was having severe stranger danger issues. Which isn't a bad thing but when she needed looked at by the doctor, she was freaking out. Her health and growth are great! Her right eye is still giving us problems so we finally got the referral to go see ophthalmology. We go June 29th to see the doctor which is actually a Saturday! How excited can a parent be to get a Saturday appointment with a specialist!!! I was over joyed. The little things in life. 

This was her before even getting her shots she was die for today. I'm so glad we hit the 1 year mark so we could get her measles shot. With everything going on in the fricking country, i didn't need her catching them.

So here is a breakdown of what Brianna is up to at her 1 year mark....

- 22 lbs 8 oz

- 31 in

- 5 teeth

- size 3 diapers

- 18 month clothes

- size 4 shoes

- using sippy cup

- drinking milk and eating table foods

- walking(started a week before she turned 1)

- crawling

- loves game shows

- still babbling dada, yeah, mama

You can't have a birthday picture of all smiles!!! You have to have that one grumpy face picture!