I'm tired....

 I'm tired of crying every single day, numerous times a day at that. I've been told everything I do is wrong. I think I'm finally doing better, but nope. I get a "slap" in the face back to reality. I get a good day and then numerous bad days after that one good one. I try so hard starting my days off good but I keep getting pulled back into the darkness. I'm an asshole because I want my own private spaces to say what I want to say. I'm an asshole because I sit in my corner all day and ignore the world. My body and soul are just trying to make it to bedtime each and every day. Sure I know that's no kind of life to live but it's all I can do right now to push forward. 

I used to be this happy girl who sat at her computer, who would write stories all day long to pass time by. I would smile and laugh with my friends. That's not the case anymore. I sit in my chair in my corner and cry. I dread every conversation because I know it'll end in a fight. Why don't i just leave you might ask? Where would I go? I don't have family that gives a fuck I can run to. I have kids who don't understand change because they deal with things emotionally different than we do. 

I mention I used to write....I would write about females essentially being rescued by their prince charming. Yeah, I live in that dream world still. All my stories have that happy ending factor, because everyone deserves a happy story. I keep telling myself that my story isn't over, but it's getting harder and harder to believe my own words. Why can't I be brave like the characters I write about or RP as? 

Streaming makes me happy these days. But some days my viewers know even if I'm not streaming that my mood is off. I will be gaming with someone who is streaming and they will ask them whats wrong with me because I'm so quiet. I'm not a quiet person. I'm loud and silly and obnoxious. Sometimes my mood gets shifted during stream because things are said that immediately switch my mood. 

I'm a little under 2 weeks out from the one year anniversary and my mood gets worse and worse as it approaches. I'm trying hard to be a better person. I really am but I keep getting pushed back down by comments. So I throw on Spotify and listen to my instrumental music that generally mellows me out. 

Imagine....as I'm typing this more guilt trips are laid on me. I am done caring. I will bury myself back into a hole where no one will be able to pull me out. Death sounds so much better than this.... I'm just done.....my kids deserve their happy mother back and not the bitch I've become. Fly fly fly little bird......

You think you know me....

 Been awhile again. I'm sure this post will have many typos considering I'm doing this from my phone. Same story. Different month. I've been yelled at the past 2-3 weeks because apparently I talk too much to someone. I get the eye rolls the moment he walks into the dining room because I'm talking with this person. This person has become a great friend over the past couple of months. I'm sorry I don't talk with you every waking hour of the day. By the time you wake up, I'm streaming and by the time I'm done, I'm ready for bed. I'm sorry I bury myself in the pc but it is my addiction I'm trying to control. I'm having fun w friends. I'm building a story for people to watch but you're letting your jealousy take over and at some point will end up ruining my rp storyline because you think im doing more than playing a video game. If I was doing more, you'd know it since you go through all my messages anyways. Jamie is my escape from real life. I get to be a crazy psycho chick who can't drive worth beans, stabs cops, but ends up falling for a cop instead. Sounds like a great movie to me honestly. But if you ask hubby, I spend too much time making people laugh. Any of you reading this know how hard I work. I stream and deal w my kids at the same time! My amazing mods inform chat when I'm dealing with them. Do I wish I could be Jamie IRL? Sometimes I do because she's got amazing strength I don't have. Jamie has had some interesting stories but this one has been a very unique one that I have been enjoying. So yeah, I talk w my other half of RP a lot. We talk about RP stuff though and our kids. As Jamie says a lot, you have got to learn to trust more.....I tried helping you tonight and you decided to do something else so I then helped my friend out and while doing so you decided then to do what i thought you were doing when you first got on the pc, but I got shit on because I was helping him first. I'm not changing Jamie's story right now. Its been too great. He needs to learn that im not fucking going anywhere. 15 years and im still here. Thats gotta count for something. I love you all and I'm sorry for venting but I needed to get it out. #JamieAndSammy