I wish I could understand why these things keep happening. I meet great people and then shit hits the fan and I have to pull myself from everyone. This whole year has been a fucking shit show. Yeah I may never meet these people in real life but with a pandemic going on, they've become "family" to me. It showed me that there are fun crazy people like me in this world. I feel like I'm just never allowed to be a part of something good anymore. Now my depression is kicked in worse than what it was. It's going to get to the point of shutting everyone I know out. All the fun I've had over the months, will be gone. I'll go back to that person that would do nothing but sit and watch TV. I don't want that to be me again. Doing what I was doing 3 times a week gave me something to look forward to. The way things are now, I'm not going to have that anymore because fuck my happiness. It all comes down to one thing...jealousy. He's jealous because I got into an amazing community and he's pissed because he was the one who wanted to be the streamer. He's mad I got affiliate. He's mad I'm doing what he wanted to do. He can say he's not jealous all he wants but he is. So now I get screwed out of being a part of great communities because now I'll never be comfortable doing community stuff with them because he'll be in the background making snarky fucking comments and making me uncomfortable.
So here's the background story for those of you reading with great confusion. I was doing the Mod thing on Monday night in a friends stream. He planned on playing Call of Duty and i generally play with him if there's room and my kids are behaving. Well lucky me, the two noisy kids were asleep. So I'm like yeah, I can hop on. Another member of the community saw I was already on and waiting in my own lobby for a moment and asked if he could join me. I said I'm going to be joining my friend who was streaming. I then notice after typing that in stream chat that the guy had messaged me on Discord asking if he could join me again. Then I flip my monitor over to the game screen and see he's messaged me on game chat asking to join. I'm like what the fuck? I told him no. I brought to the attention of other Mods. I had already been having a bad day and was annoyed, frustrated at this point and just shaking with anger to the point of I started crying. All he had asked was "hey, can I join?" 3 times on 3 different platforms even though I had told him I was already playing with the streamer. I don't think that qualifies as harassment, but I'm not a lawyer. I can't ever win arguments in my household so I was wrong no matter what I said.
The depression is even getting to a point of telling me to just give up with streaming. That's how low I've been feeling this week. I can't take the stress with everything anymore and I just don't know what to do. I've left the community I enjoyed a lot. Did I want to? No. I enjoy everyone's company. I just don't know what to do at this point. Can't even sit here and write a Blog in peace because it's..."who are you writing to?" "You have to be writing to someone being that long." I just fucking give up.........
