Yesterday was my birthday. Normal people would know it's their birthday because it's their special day. They get to have a good day filled with happiness. My day was filled with nothing but tears and being miserable. I had a few good moments, but mostly I dealt with tears and stress. I'm still dealing with the same tears and stress as yesterday. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm constantly being talked down upon. And if you think I'm exaggerating, let me post a video for you all.....
That's the reality of my life this past year. It sucks. Then I get talked down on when I try doing anything to hang out with my video game friends. I'm not allowed to hang with most of them because they are male. I only run into issues when I decide to hang with the opposite sex. We are only sitting there playing video games. Nothing else is being done. So why do I get treated this way? I just want to have one stream go perfectly. The last month I think I've not had one stream without a fight breaking out like that. Today's argument was the same as always. I'm like we play well together. That's why the 4 of us play together. Video game time is my time to get away from the world.
This past year has sucked and I need some kind of escape from reality. I hate sitting and watching TV in my own living room because our furniture is beyond fucked up. When I get new furniture then maybe I'll spend a little more time in my living room. For now though, I'll sit in my corner in the dining room. My corner where I can keep an eye on two kids while they do school work during the day. It's been my corner for almost a year now. Almost like Rapunzel's tower. I'm tired of doing online school and I have no other fucking options to relieve some of my stress. The superintendent won't send the kids back until the staff is vaccinated. My mentality can't take this shit anymore. I know I'm not alone in all of this and there are so many parents who feel the same way. It's fucking exhausting trying to teach these kids at home. I'm trying to deal with 3 grade levels and I just fucking can't.
My whole house life has fallen apart this past year because I just can't do shit anymore. Laundry gets done when it fucking gets done. Dishes get done if they're lucky. Yeah, shit has gotten that bad. Is my house clean? God fucking no. If I had it my way, I would put everything on the curb and toss it. If I was a drug head, a needle would have gone in my arm by now. I feel like drinking my self to death, but then I would be my father. I don't want that. I want to be better than that and I am trying to do better for myself.
In October I made affiliate on Twitch which means I can earn money. Lately though I just can't seem to get shit going because of these fights breaking out while I'm on stream. I know this is a journey that will take time and won't happen over night. I fully accept that, but when new people come in and see me feeling down and not my bubbly self, then I lose out on someone sticking around. I have friends who are good players and that's why I choose to play with them. Then that circles back around to the fights though. It sucks.
If the weather was warmer, I would start going on walks or jogs to get out of the house. That's been the biggest issue this past year. Being stuck in the house because of fucking Covid. That's a goal I want to set for myself. When the weather gets warmer, I want to take walks or runs. Let my music blast in my ears and just get away from it all! I think that would help me out a lot.
As for my birthday.....I didn't get a nice dinner or even a cake. I guess I just wasn't good enough to deserve that after everything I do for this family. I wanted one nice day for myself and couldn't get that.
I literally don't even know what the topic is for this post. It was just me rambling. I'm sorry for rambling. I needed to get things off my chest. At this point I just want to sleep for days on end and not wake up or stay awake and not go to sleep so I can just be alone. I can't do anything alone. I stay up as late as I can and I still don't get that alone time because I'm constantly being watched and monitored like a fucking child. Just give me my peace and quiet. Give me my alone time........
