So I'm gonna deep dive into my life with this post. I don't do that a lot anymore because in my head, I have decided that no one will care because everyone else is going through the same thing. I don't talk about things because my self esteem is so low anymore about myself. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head and it's going to sound like I'm rambling in this post, but I'll try to gather my thoughts in an organized way.
I'm so emotionally drained with my life right now that I don't even know how to feel anymore. Crying used to help me get everything out but when you cry too much, it just doesn't help anymore. The pandemic has broken me as a human being. I've done the whole staying inside and I understand I'm not the only one going through this but for someone like me who has problems with depression and all, it's been beyond hard. Being confined all the time is awful. Yeah I get out to the grocery store, but that has been my extent of going out since March. Yeah I've had a few times where I did get out a little more, but not really. I have lost any kind of emotion or anything towards anyone. I've deep dived into my emotions so much that I shut everyone out and it's getting worse and worse by the day. I would rather sit and be in my thoughts all day long. I push everyone away and don't even care at this point. I would sleep all day if I had the choice. My sleep is so beyond fucked up. Sleep half the day away and stay up all night.
The kids have been at each other's throats and I feel like I'm failing as a parent. Every day it's something different with them. My 11 year old wrote on her homework that she wanted to hang herself. It was a cry for attention. So that made me feel like a failure. When I vent on Facebook about struggling with the kids at times, people joke and say "well you shouldn't have had so many." Well guess what? I never expected to be living life through a fucking pandemic. Don't tell me what to do with my life and how many kids I should or shouldn't have. Yeah, I'm struggling with the online learning. I know all of us parents are. It's been hard these months. Hell, we're all still having issues with it. When I do have the good days, I'm so happy inside because we don't get those days a lot with online learning. I hope at some point the kids can go back and have some kind of normalcy.
Another reason I shut friends out is the controlling issues I'm dealing with. (Yeah, we're about to deep dive hard now) My gamer family knows that I have to answer who I play with at all times. I'm constantly questioned when gaming online and I seem to never be allowed to play on my own. When I'm watching a friend stream, I can't even seem to be in their stream without being followed in and monitored on what the hell I say in chat. I feel like a fucking prisoner and I can't say anything because I don't want a fight breaking out. I am being controlled and mentally abused and I have no where to go. This is why I am the way I am sometimes when we game guys. I am being monitored by everything I do and it's fucking awful. Sometimes you hear him in the background yelling and going on like he normally does, but it's fucking awful. I hate it. I'm literally making myself sick writing this because it's a harsh realization what I'm going through. I get screamed at when I play with my gaming friends and have more fun with them. So I hate having fun anymore. So if I was ever in your stream and I went from being silly and crazy to completely quiet, then you know why. I was being yelled at for being fun me. When that happens, my self esteem drops a crap ton.
I'm an awful person if I don't stick up for him and let others talk shit. Why the fuck should I stick up for you when you control me and mentally abuse me? Explain that to me. I'm not going to stick up for someone treating me like crap. I wish he would see it through my eyes how he was treating me but he doesn't. He thinks he's acting perfectly fine and normal.
I sit at my PC and write if I'm not on Xbox. I sit and write about girls and guys getting out of relationships and finding that perfect someone. I don't publish my writings anywhere because again, I don't think it's good enough. I've put one story out on a website. Sure it still gets looked at a few times a month but I still don't think it's good enough.
I've actually emotionally exhausted myself with writing this and just want to go back to sleep. If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. It means a lot. Maybe I'll get back to my old self at some point. Until then, just a life of being worried about saying the wrong thing and messing up as I always do......
