It's just RP...

 

              Boy, 2 posts within a week or two of each other. Stop the presses. I needed to do some more venting though. Last night I had gotten into an argument with the hubby about something in my mind that was dumb. So as I stated in my last post, I do some RPing on GTA. My character I play on has had the most wild 2 weeks! Let's roll it back though and give you some backstory on Jamie since she's been in the big city now....

               Jamie Fraser(if you know, you know) moved to the city around mid May this year. She stayed pretty quiet for the first few days and did some fishing and some mining. On one of her trips into the gas station to grab food, she had met Gary Longbottom. He attempted to steal her car....allegedly. After that meeting, the two would talk from time to time and Gary would bring Jamie chickie nuggs. Since Jamie didn't have a place to stay Gary gave her keys to his place. From there, the relationship took off. Now Gary is a crim in the city, so he spends a lot of time in jail. Jamie wouldn't really ask him about his business because she didn't want to know. She felt the less she knew, the better. 

                Gary asked Jamie to marry him around a month ago I wanna say while they were having a fun party night on a boat. Jamie was pretty excited about it because it meant double wedding with her friend Xena. Jamie was excited about getting to start wedding planning and getting things going.

                 This past month though, Gary has had issues flying into the city and even seeing Jamie because conflicting schedules and all. Jamie has started to get lonely over this past month. On one of her trips to the smelter(where you take mining materials to get metals made to make other items), Jamie made a wrong turn and ran into a huge propane tank. Enter in Lt John Collins, the only officer in the city that night who came to save her. Jamie was a little slap happy from the explosion and may have called him daddy. That kicked off their joking around with each other every time they would run into each other.

                   John and Jamie were both going through some things so they took a day, got dressed up and went out around the city. This day was such a disaster. John fell off Mt Chilliad, John caught himself on fire at the beach, and then Jamie got a little too close to the military base. It was a very rough day for sure.

                 Jamie and John's big thing is just sitting and talking though. Jamie feels like she can be more of herself with him. Guilt slowly started to eat at her though and she got a little drunk one night with John and ended up on a Yacht with John.

 

                  

                   Yup, Jamie ended up cheating on Gary. Now Jamie can't seem to stay away from John because she did grow to have feelings for him. Now with Gary having issues flying in, she's stuck right now. She wants to move forward with John but can't do anything until she speaks with Gary. Friends have started questioning why Jamie is hanging around John so much and getting suspicious. So Jamie has a lot on her plate right now and many decisions to make.

                      Now with all this backstory out there, IRL hubby has gotten angry with me for making Jamie be this way. He thinks Jamie is my way of being able to flirt with other guys. I looked at him angrily and told him, "it's RP, not real life. Nothing is happening between me and any of these guys I talk with." He's taking this more seriously than he needs to and not deciphering the RP from real life. He started this argument while i was playing last night which actually effected my RP. I went pretty silent last night while playing when generally I'm loud and out there. It hurts me a lot to think that I'm taking this all as real life type situations and i actually love these guys. I love them as friends and talk with them in discord but just as friends. IRL Gary is married with 4 kids as well so we have that in common and IRL John has a GF. I play a game with friends and escape my real life and now I'm getting treated poorly for the actions MY CHARACTER is playing. I just hope he finally understands at some point that I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing.

                       

                 I know this was probably a weird post for some of you, but thank you for letting me vent. I needed it. I think Jamie update posts will be a thing coming up so I can keep the posts going. Also if you'd like to keep up with any of the Jamie/Gary/John storylines, we all stream or there are streams you can check out where those characters will make appearances.

Jamie Fraser

Gary Longbottom

John Collins

Chase McDade

Depression is a killer

                       

                       I didn't realize it has been like 9 months since I've posted a blog. My depression has taken over more than I care to admit anymore. The biggest blow to my depression came in May. I was just casually sitting around for the day watching Twitch I'm sure and enjoying my May 5th(Revenge of the Fifth if you will) Well phone calls and texts came through that eventually lead to me learning that my brother had killed himself. Learning the news my chest felt heavy and I felt like I couldn't breathe and that it was just a dream. It wasn't real. I ran to my bedroom gasping for my breath and trying to wake Joey. When he finally was able to understand me through my screaming and crying he held me and let me cry. My first call was to one of my besties(Adrienne) and she just let me cry and talk when I needed to. I had called my other bestie(Amber) but she was at work. I had left her a voicemail saying to call me back when she could. She called me back not much longer after knowing something was wrong because I never call and leave voicemails.

                       After I got off the phone with them, I had to start making the family phone calls. Actually the family phone calls came first, then I called the besties. Sorry. Brain is braining today. As always after I couldn't get a hold of my mom, I called the first family member I always call....my nephew Nick. We've always been first phone calls with family deaths. In the case of my other brother who had passed due to a heart attack, Drew was my first call but he had his phone on do not disturb. But then Nick was the next call. Me and Nick are more like siblings rather than nephew and aunt since we have a 4 year age gap. And as with any family death, everyone came to my house.

                        My family is not one to really show emotions. The people who came over were my mom, sister, nephew, niece, and my brothers ex(Frank). You may ask yourself why my brothers current BF at the time was not involved too much with talking with the family and coming over to figure things out. Well, one he doesn't drive. Two, he was partial reason to blame for my brothers death. I know what you're thinking, don't play the blame game. He was cheating on my brother though which lead to some depression eating at my brother and the cheating was the final straw. When Frank got to my house, i gave him a long hug and just cried. 

                          Planning everything for my brother was something I never wanted to do. I kept telling everyone that I think once we have the funeral, I'll be ok. I will be at peace going through this and just letting his soul rest. For the first time ever, I don't feel at peace. I still feel like this isn't real and it will be 3 months in August already. With every funeral I've been to with someone I've loved, there's always been a body for me to see and make the realization they are gone. I didn't get that with Drew because He shot himself in the head. I was told it was best I didn't see him. I agreed to that. I didn't get the closure I wanted though and I hate that. I don't know what I can do at this point for the closure I need. 

                         My depression has been awful over these past 2.5 months. I have days where I just don't talk to people and they text saying, are you ok? Are you alive? I then have to tell them I'm okay but just having a day. They understand, but I hate that I'm still this way. I wanna be myself again. I feel like I'm Robin Williams trying to make the world smile and have a smile on my face but deep down I'm crying and screaming inside to just be done with life too. I can't leave my babies though. They need me. So I'm not gonna take that way out. 

                         The best therapy I've gotten over these past 2 months is getting into some roleplay on GTA. I mod for an amazing streamer on Twitch who does GTA RP and after watching him for over a year, I thought I would give it a go. The people I have met in just these 2 months have been amazing fucking human beans(yup I said beans) and I love them all. All the laughs we have and all the adventures we go on. 

                           The one person I met not long after getting in the city, as we say, hit my soul a little more. She rolled up in a truck that was painted like the Scooby Doo vehicle. My brother loved Scooby Doo so I think that was him from above sending Miss Salley into my life for fun and laughs and just chill girl hangout time. We run around with Xena at times and cut chickens heads off. 

                            I want to say thank you to all of my "family" for making a lot of my days better even though at times after I would "fly out" I would go back into my depression. So thank you to Ben, Xena, Chase, Ed, Bobby, Cat, Don, Preston, Skippy, Steven, Bernard, Victor, Shoresy, James, John, Smiley, Mac, Phyl, Royce, Salley, and Tony. A huge special thank you to my in game fiance Gary. I love all of you guys and thank you for bearing with me on my quiet days. Sometimes I just needed to be in the city and just listening to you guys be nuts. Theres a few new members of the family who I haven't had much contact with but I love you guys as well!

                           Also Ben(Stone), you almost made me cry the other day. When we did the scene of you telling Jamie you knew I had an uncle in the city, you worded it the way my brother used to word stuff. "A little birdie told me". When me and my brother would keep secrets from people we would say that and I was always the little birdie to him. So thank you! Love you lots bud!

                            I know my brother is in a better place but I just wish he wouldn't have taken the way out that he did. I would've sat and talked with him. I always tell everyone I will sit and talk with them through anything. I know people are still reaching out for me to make sure I'm still okay. A lot of times I say no. I'm still not doing well. I hope at some point I do get to say I am doing a lot better and back to myself. 

                            So please, if you are someone who is not doing well, reach out to a friend or family member. They will sit and listen because planning a funeral for someone you love when they don't expect it is the worst. I will always love my big brother. I miss you a lot Drew Nerd. I still can't go in the basement at night because of you but I love you.