I'm tired....

 I'm tired of crying every single day, numerous times a day at that. I've been told everything I do is wrong. I think I'm finally doing better, but nope. I get a "slap" in the face back to reality. I get a good day and then numerous bad days after that one good one. I try so hard starting my days off good but I keep getting pulled back into the darkness. I'm an asshole because I want my own private spaces to say what I want to say. I'm an asshole because I sit in my corner all day and ignore the world. My body and soul are just trying to make it to bedtime each and every day. Sure I know that's no kind of life to live but it's all I can do right now to push forward. 

I used to be this happy girl who sat at her computer, who would write stories all day long to pass time by. I would smile and laugh with my friends. That's not the case anymore. I sit in my chair in my corner and cry. I dread every conversation because I know it'll end in a fight. Why don't i just leave you might ask? Where would I go? I don't have family that gives a fuck I can run to. I have kids who don't understand change because they deal with things emotionally different than we do. 

I mention I used to write....I would write about females essentially being rescued by their prince charming. Yeah, I live in that dream world still. All my stories have that happy ending factor, because everyone deserves a happy story. I keep telling myself that my story isn't over, but it's getting harder and harder to believe my own words. Why can't I be brave like the characters I write about or RP as? 

Streaming makes me happy these days. But some days my viewers know even if I'm not streaming that my mood is off. I will be gaming with someone who is streaming and they will ask them whats wrong with me because I'm so quiet. I'm not a quiet person. I'm loud and silly and obnoxious. Sometimes my mood gets shifted during stream because things are said that immediately switch my mood. 

I'm a little under 2 weeks out from the one year anniversary and my mood gets worse and worse as it approaches. I'm trying hard to be a better person. I really am but I keep getting pushed back down by comments. So I throw on Spotify and listen to my instrumental music that generally mellows me out. 

Imagine....as I'm typing this more guilt trips are laid on me. I am done caring. I will bury myself back into a hole where no one will be able to pull me out. Death sounds so much better than this.... I'm just done.....my kids deserve their happy mother back and not the bitch I've become. Fly fly fly little bird......