Exhausted from depression

                              Well as you can see from the title, I am exhausted lately. I've hit a huge slump and nothing makes me happy anymore. I do stuff that has always made me happy and not even that works right now. I want to sleep 24/7 but that is not doable considering I am Mom and Mom can't do that. Mom has to mom. I try hyping myself up to get through the day, and I do get through it. 

                               Yesterday I had been hyping myself up all week knowing I was gonna get to sit and play catch up on TV shows with hubby. He seemed like he didn't even want to be sitting with me and watching our usual shows. He just seemed pissy and angry. I get excited when I get to watch stuff that I enjoy. He complains we don't do anything together and then when we do, well, he gets like that. Him being like that causes me to get in a slump then.

                              I sit and write when I can and the past week I haven't wanted to write at all. I get the stuff written that I want to get it down and all, but then I stop and just sit and stare at the computer monitor. My house is slowly falling apart too. The kitchen is a disaster and I have no fucking will or energy to clean it. I forced myself to do laundry yesterday. I still have like a load or two to go which isn't awful, but getting the energy to do it sucks. 

                              I sat with my daughter one day this week to talk about stuff going on in her life and it instantly drained all of my energy. When I have any type of conversation thats serious and needs done, my energy just poofs away. I wish people understood this. Just talking about stuff that bothers me is mentally draining and then being pushed to talk about it at times just makes the drainage worse. I'm exhausted just writing any of this. That's how bad it's gotten.

                               Some people think that when the depression is this bad, just to end it. Have I thought about that? Yeah, I have, but then what does that solve? I leave family and friends wondering why? And sad and depressed because I'm gone. That's not fair to do that to anyone. I don't want to leave my kids wondering why mommy was so down that she had to do that. 

                               So I think for right now I keep trying to do things that make me happy to see if I can get my happiness back. List of things that make me happy.....

1. Gaming
2. writing
3. going out and spending time with the kids
4. watching my shows

                           Those are a few things that keep me going. Also, it's the start of the holiday seasons starting. I hate the holidays anymore. I'm hoping this year I can get away with just getting the kids a couple of things. I don't wanna go overboard with crap they won't use anymore. All they do is sit on electronics. I'll get them Roblox cards and they can do whatever with them.

                                So I mentioned about watching my shows before. You ask, hmm...what does Sparrow like to watch? Well we watch Law and Order SVU and Law and Order Organized Crime.

             I was beyond excited when I heard Chris Meloni was coming back to be Elliot Stabler. Now I will say if you're behind and just starting with the new show, you have to flip back and forth between Organized Crime and SVU because they do crossover a lot. It's been very awesome seeing him back in the Law and Order world. All good stuff so far.

                Not a fan of this season's look though. Praying he gets to shave this off at some point. He is one of the few who I don't think can pull this look off. I like him clean shaven.

                 Last night we also sat and watched a movie. We watch Spiral with Chris Rock and Samuel L. Jackson. Spiral comes from the book of Saw. so it's a Saw movie. Did I enjoy it? It was alright. I feel like there could have been more traps in the movie. I think there was a grand total of 4? It wasn't much. I felt like it wasn't a true Saw movie because not a lot of traps. Am I curious to know if there's going to be another movie? Yeah, I am. There's definitely an opening for another to be made.

              Chris Rock did a very good job with the role he played in the movie. Would it be one of the Saw movies I say was amazing? No. I wouldn't. The best will always be the very first one. Nothing will ever top that one in my eyes. 

               I want to sit and watch Black Widow today but I have a feeling it's not going to happen because raisins. (yes I just said raisins. It's the new way to say reasons. lol)

               I have to go out today and get two kiddos picture day clothes. I asked my oldest where she wants to go and she's like Hot Topic. I'm like oh. Okay. Yeah, Kayla isn't a girly girl anymore. She likes anime and goth type stuff. I don't mind. I want her to be her herself and if that's what makes her comfy, then by all means, go for it. So we'll see what she wants to wear for picture day. Alex may not have a choice. I may pick his clothes out. 

              Next weekend we're going costume shopping. Kayla actually already got hers because we had to order from Amazon. She's being a character from My Hero Academia.

           Emma wants to be Anna from Frozen and Alex wants to be Spiderman(of course). I have been told that I have to be Jack Sparrow because I am Sparrow. So I think I found a girly type Jack Sparrow costume I wanna get. The other downside about Halloween is that it's a Sunday. Which means Hubby will be working. Which means if we go trick or treating, I'm taking the kids by myself. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I need a city that's doing this on Saturday so I can have a little help. I'm not sure what I want Brianna to be yet. She loves Blue's Clues and Bubble Guppies. Maybe I can find something. 

             But that's all I have for now. Gonna try lifting my head up high and continuing on with whatever life this is. I shall speak with you guys when I can!