I'm tired....

 I'm tired of crying every single day, numerous times a day at that. I've been told everything I do is wrong. I think I'm finally doing better, but nope. I get a "slap" in the face back to reality. I get a good day and then numerous bad days after that one good one. I try so hard starting my days off good but I keep getting pulled back into the darkness. I'm an asshole because I want my own private spaces to say what I want to say. I'm an asshole because I sit in my corner all day and ignore the world. My body and soul are just trying to make it to bedtime each and every day. Sure I know that's no kind of life to live but it's all I can do right now to push forward. 

I used to be this happy girl who sat at her computer, who would write stories all day long to pass time by. I would smile and laugh with my friends. That's not the case anymore. I sit in my chair in my corner and cry. I dread every conversation because I know it'll end in a fight. Why don't i just leave you might ask? Where would I go? I don't have family that gives a fuck I can run to. I have kids who don't understand change because they deal with things emotionally different than we do. 

I mention I used to write....I would write about females essentially being rescued by their prince charming. Yeah, I live in that dream world still. All my stories have that happy ending factor, because everyone deserves a happy story. I keep telling myself that my story isn't over, but it's getting harder and harder to believe my own words. Why can't I be brave like the characters I write about or RP as? 

Streaming makes me happy these days. But some days my viewers know even if I'm not streaming that my mood is off. I will be gaming with someone who is streaming and they will ask them whats wrong with me because I'm so quiet. I'm not a quiet person. I'm loud and silly and obnoxious. Sometimes my mood gets shifted during stream because things are said that immediately switch my mood. 

I'm a little under 2 weeks out from the one year anniversary and my mood gets worse and worse as it approaches. I'm trying hard to be a better person. I really am but I keep getting pushed back down by comments. So I throw on Spotify and listen to my instrumental music that generally mellows me out. 

Imagine....as I'm typing this more guilt trips are laid on me. I am done caring. I will bury myself back into a hole where no one will be able to pull me out. Death sounds so much better than this.... I'm just done.....my kids deserve their happy mother back and not the bitch I've become. Fly fly fly little bird......

You think you know me....

 Been awhile again. I'm sure this post will have many typos considering I'm doing this from my phone. Same story. Different month. I've been yelled at the past 2-3 weeks because apparently I talk too much to someone. I get the eye rolls the moment he walks into the dining room because I'm talking with this person. This person has become a great friend over the past couple of months. I'm sorry I don't talk with you every waking hour of the day. By the time you wake up, I'm streaming and by the time I'm done, I'm ready for bed. I'm sorry I bury myself in the pc but it is my addiction I'm trying to control. I'm having fun w friends. I'm building a story for people to watch but you're letting your jealousy take over and at some point will end up ruining my rp storyline because you think im doing more than playing a video game. If I was doing more, you'd know it since you go through all my messages anyways. Jamie is my escape from real life. I get to be a crazy psycho chick who can't drive worth beans, stabs cops, but ends up falling for a cop instead. Sounds like a great movie to me honestly. But if you ask hubby, I spend too much time making people laugh. Any of you reading this know how hard I work. I stream and deal w my kids at the same time! My amazing mods inform chat when I'm dealing with them. Do I wish I could be Jamie IRL? Sometimes I do because she's got amazing strength I don't have. Jamie has had some interesting stories but this one has been a very unique one that I have been enjoying. So yeah, I talk w my other half of RP a lot. We talk about RP stuff though and our kids. As Jamie says a lot, you have got to learn to trust more.....I tried helping you tonight and you decided to do something else so I then helped my friend out and while doing so you decided then to do what i thought you were doing when you first got on the pc, but I got shit on because I was helping him first. I'm not changing Jamie's story right now. Its been too great. He needs to learn that im not fucking going anywhere. 15 years and im still here. Thats gotta count for something. I love you all and I'm sorry for venting but I needed to get it out. #JamieAndSammy

I saw you again...

 I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes because for the first time in almost 9 months, I saw you in my dream. We didn't get to speak because i was walking down some stairs to head into another room, but you were sitting on a couch. For some reason your legs were in some black leg braces, which was weird to me. On top of seeing you, I saw Pa(Grandpa) in my dreams as well. I didn't get to speak with him either. It hurt we didn't get to talk, but it was good to see you again. I do nothing but cry still. I wish I could stop the pain, but I can't. I've always heard it gets easier as time passes but it hasn't gotten any easier. These past months I've been doing anything and everything to keep my mind busy but the moment I step into my van, I just listen to music and cry. Sometimes I'll sit at the pc and cry. I know you wouldn't want me crying over you but it's hard. The positive things going for me right now are that for some reason people find me hilarious on Twitch. I've slowly been growing. You'd probably laugh at all the stupid shit I do. I keep chugging along and growing my little community. The kids keep doing stupid shit that would make you laugh. Brianna is sitting next to me and she just said "Dicks" so I'm doing this parenting thing well I guess. I've gained some "family" over these months as well. People who I consider brothers and sisters who have helped me so much threw all of this. They let me vent to them if necessary or we just sit around and hang on the video games. I still wish I understood why you did what you did, but I don't think I ever will. I love you and miss you a lot and will keep on trucking through life the best I can. 

Thoughts rolling

 I don't even know where I want to start with this post as I have a million things running through my mind. So I'm just going to type out what's going through it I guess. Sitting and listening to a song currently that I've heard my son, who is 7 by the way, listening to at times. Now I may be reading into more than I should, but maybe I'm not. Sometimes kids try telling us stuff without telling us. He seems to listen to it a bit after getting yelled at. The song is called Love is Gone by SLANDER.

I finally sat and listened to it, and I hope these feelings aren't running through him because it would break my heart completely. Alex has been quite the handful lately. He's been getting yelled at numerous times a day. I need to figure something out. Last weekend I took 3 of the kids to the aquarium. We were good until we hit the gift shop which you have to walk through to exit the building. Kind of sucks honestly. Alex started up though because he wanted to buy something and I'm like no we don't have the money so within 2 seconds I was a mean mommy and some other choice words. So we went from a good day of having fun at the aquarium to a crap drive home. Alex has always been a handful and we do have good days that i enjoy when they happen. He vibes off of me though as well and I need to get better about keeping my mood up as well. I yell at everyone else about that but fail to do the same for myself. I need some ideas or something for a me and Alex day. Something he might enjoy. Hard to do much with the weather getting colder with outside stuff. I know we'll figure something out though. 

Relationship stuff going on right now. As of right now we're doing good. We did have some issues that got sorted. Had to have a talk and explain numerous times that I was only friends with someone and nothing more. Unfortunately happens every time I hang more with guy friends. It's automatically I'm trying to get in their pants. No. Not the case. This friend is more along the lines of adopted little brother now. Friends and family help each other out any way they can and I did that for this person over the past few months and will continue to help them out if I can. Even if it's just by talking, because lets face it, we all need to vent at times. I don't mind being an ear for anyone to just vent. I don't mind helping out either as long as I'm able to. 

Streaming life right now. Gosh where do I begin? Streams have been going really well. I've been on a Friday evening schedule lately. I like doing the Friday streams. Sometimes throw in a surprise Saturday or Sunday if possible. Hell I threw in a Monday stream the other day and had a good time. Jamie is living her best life right now. She is no longer with The Stone Family. She helped create the current group she's in with a few friends and her mans is back in the city. They are now in SoT...no not Sea of Thieves. LOL. Sinners of Truth. I like it. It's catchy. We're a motorcycle gang or club as they are called in the RP world. Is Jamie an excellent motorcycle driver? Ummmm..... you decide by watching the tiktok. Jamie's new Bike Jamie and friends will be moving to a new server when it's finished. It's still being worked on. The plan when we move servers is to memory wipe our characters. So Jamie, Sadie, and Bobby will be re-meeting one another and I can't wait to play that out. Not too sure if Jamie will be starting from scratch relationship wise or what. Those details haven't been worked out. The server move will hopefully be in the next month or so. It's a process getting a server ready. Until then, all the shenanigans on OverTime RP.

The holidays are approaching quickly. It's freaking scary as hell. The kids all do electronics so I just don't know what to do for gifts except money for games and stuff for them but thats hard to put under the tree. Brie likes books so she'll get a bunch of those I'm sure. Kayla is big into anime. Alex and Emma are the hard ones. Roblox and Fortnite mostly. I'll figure something out as I always do. 

I think for now my brain is empty on thoughts I wanted to type out. Still don't really know what to do with my hands. It's a big thing I say lately. So I'm going to figure something out to do. Maybe a little power wash sim. Hope you all have a good day! Love you all!

It's just RP...

 

              Boy, 2 posts within a week or two of each other. Stop the presses. I needed to do some more venting though. Last night I had gotten into an argument with the hubby about something in my mind that was dumb. So as I stated in my last post, I do some RPing on GTA. My character I play on has had the most wild 2 weeks! Let's roll it back though and give you some backstory on Jamie since she's been in the big city now....

               Jamie Fraser(if you know, you know) moved to the city around mid May this year. She stayed pretty quiet for the first few days and did some fishing and some mining. On one of her trips into the gas station to grab food, she had met Gary Longbottom. He attempted to steal her car....allegedly. After that meeting, the two would talk from time to time and Gary would bring Jamie chickie nuggs. Since Jamie didn't have a place to stay Gary gave her keys to his place. From there, the relationship took off. Now Gary is a crim in the city, so he spends a lot of time in jail. Jamie wouldn't really ask him about his business because she didn't want to know. She felt the less she knew, the better. 

                Gary asked Jamie to marry him around a month ago I wanna say while they were having a fun party night on a boat. Jamie was pretty excited about it because it meant double wedding with her friend Xena. Jamie was excited about getting to start wedding planning and getting things going.

                 This past month though, Gary has had issues flying into the city and even seeing Jamie because conflicting schedules and all. Jamie has started to get lonely over this past month. On one of her trips to the smelter(where you take mining materials to get metals made to make other items), Jamie made a wrong turn and ran into a huge propane tank. Enter in Lt John Collins, the only officer in the city that night who came to save her. Jamie was a little slap happy from the explosion and may have called him daddy. That kicked off their joking around with each other every time they would run into each other.

                   John and Jamie were both going through some things so they took a day, got dressed up and went out around the city. This day was such a disaster. John fell off Mt Chilliad, John caught himself on fire at the beach, and then Jamie got a little too close to the military base. It was a very rough day for sure.

                 Jamie and John's big thing is just sitting and talking though. Jamie feels like she can be more of herself with him. Guilt slowly started to eat at her though and she got a little drunk one night with John and ended up on a Yacht with John.

 

                  

                   Yup, Jamie ended up cheating on Gary. Now Jamie can't seem to stay away from John because she did grow to have feelings for him. Now with Gary having issues flying in, she's stuck right now. She wants to move forward with John but can't do anything until she speaks with Gary. Friends have started questioning why Jamie is hanging around John so much and getting suspicious. So Jamie has a lot on her plate right now and many decisions to make.

                      Now with all this backstory out there, IRL hubby has gotten angry with me for making Jamie be this way. He thinks Jamie is my way of being able to flirt with other guys. I looked at him angrily and told him, "it's RP, not real life. Nothing is happening between me and any of these guys I talk with." He's taking this more seriously than he needs to and not deciphering the RP from real life. He started this argument while i was playing last night which actually effected my RP. I went pretty silent last night while playing when generally I'm loud and out there. It hurts me a lot to think that I'm taking this all as real life type situations and i actually love these guys. I love them as friends and talk with them in discord but just as friends. IRL Gary is married with 4 kids as well so we have that in common and IRL John has a GF. I play a game with friends and escape my real life and now I'm getting treated poorly for the actions MY CHARACTER is playing. I just hope he finally understands at some point that I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing.

                       

                 I know this was probably a weird post for some of you, but thank you for letting me vent. I needed it. I think Jamie update posts will be a thing coming up so I can keep the posts going. Also if you'd like to keep up with any of the Jamie/Gary/John storylines, we all stream or there are streams you can check out where those characters will make appearances.

Jamie Fraser

Gary Longbottom

John Collins

Chase McDade

Depression is a killer

                       

                       I didn't realize it has been like 9 months since I've posted a blog. My depression has taken over more than I care to admit anymore. The biggest blow to my depression came in May. I was just casually sitting around for the day watching Twitch I'm sure and enjoying my May 5th(Revenge of the Fifth if you will) Well phone calls and texts came through that eventually lead to me learning that my brother had killed himself. Learning the news my chest felt heavy and I felt like I couldn't breathe and that it was just a dream. It wasn't real. I ran to my bedroom gasping for my breath and trying to wake Joey. When he finally was able to understand me through my screaming and crying he held me and let me cry. My first call was to one of my besties(Adrienne) and she just let me cry and talk when I needed to. I had called my other bestie(Amber) but she was at work. I had left her a voicemail saying to call me back when she could. She called me back not much longer after knowing something was wrong because I never call and leave voicemails.

                       After I got off the phone with them, I had to start making the family phone calls. Actually the family phone calls came first, then I called the besties. Sorry. Brain is braining today. As always after I couldn't get a hold of my mom, I called the first family member I always call....my nephew Nick. We've always been first phone calls with family deaths. In the case of my other brother who had passed due to a heart attack, Drew was my first call but he had his phone on do not disturb. But then Nick was the next call. Me and Nick are more like siblings rather than nephew and aunt since we have a 4 year age gap. And as with any family death, everyone came to my house.

                        My family is not one to really show emotions. The people who came over were my mom, sister, nephew, niece, and my brothers ex(Frank). You may ask yourself why my brothers current BF at the time was not involved too much with talking with the family and coming over to figure things out. Well, one he doesn't drive. Two, he was partial reason to blame for my brothers death. I know what you're thinking, don't play the blame game. He was cheating on my brother though which lead to some depression eating at my brother and the cheating was the final straw. When Frank got to my house, i gave him a long hug and just cried. 

                          Planning everything for my brother was something I never wanted to do. I kept telling everyone that I think once we have the funeral, I'll be ok. I will be at peace going through this and just letting his soul rest. For the first time ever, I don't feel at peace. I still feel like this isn't real and it will be 3 months in August already. With every funeral I've been to with someone I've loved, there's always been a body for me to see and make the realization they are gone. I didn't get that with Drew because He shot himself in the head. I was told it was best I didn't see him. I agreed to that. I didn't get the closure I wanted though and I hate that. I don't know what I can do at this point for the closure I need. 

                         My depression has been awful over these past 2.5 months. I have days where I just don't talk to people and they text saying, are you ok? Are you alive? I then have to tell them I'm okay but just having a day. They understand, but I hate that I'm still this way. I wanna be myself again. I feel like I'm Robin Williams trying to make the world smile and have a smile on my face but deep down I'm crying and screaming inside to just be done with life too. I can't leave my babies though. They need me. So I'm not gonna take that way out. 

                         The best therapy I've gotten over these past 2 months is getting into some roleplay on GTA. I mod for an amazing streamer on Twitch who does GTA RP and after watching him for over a year, I thought I would give it a go. The people I have met in just these 2 months have been amazing fucking human beans(yup I said beans) and I love them all. All the laughs we have and all the adventures we go on. 

                           The one person I met not long after getting in the city, as we say, hit my soul a little more. She rolled up in a truck that was painted like the Scooby Doo vehicle. My brother loved Scooby Doo so I think that was him from above sending Miss Salley into my life for fun and laughs and just chill girl hangout time. We run around with Xena at times and cut chickens heads off. 

                            I want to say thank you to all of my "family" for making a lot of my days better even though at times after I would "fly out" I would go back into my depression. So thank you to Ben, Xena, Chase, Ed, Bobby, Cat, Don, Preston, Skippy, Steven, Bernard, Victor, Shoresy, James, John, Smiley, Mac, Phyl, Royce, Salley, and Tony. A huge special thank you to my in game fiance Gary. I love all of you guys and thank you for bearing with me on my quiet days. Sometimes I just needed to be in the city and just listening to you guys be nuts. Theres a few new members of the family who I haven't had much contact with but I love you guys as well!

                           Also Ben(Stone), you almost made me cry the other day. When we did the scene of you telling Jamie you knew I had an uncle in the city, you worded it the way my brother used to word stuff. "A little birdie told me". When me and my brother would keep secrets from people we would say that and I was always the little birdie to him. So thank you! Love you lots bud!

                            I know my brother is in a better place but I just wish he wouldn't have taken the way out that he did. I would've sat and talked with him. I always tell everyone I will sit and talk with them through anything. I know people are still reaching out for me to make sure I'm still okay. A lot of times I say no. I'm still not doing well. I hope at some point I do get to say I am doing a lot better and back to myself. 

                            So please, if you are someone who is not doing well, reach out to a friend or family member. They will sit and listen because planning a funeral for someone you love when they don't expect it is the worst. I will always love my big brother. I miss you a lot Drew Nerd. I still can't go in the basement at night because of you but I love you.

Exhausted from depression

                              Well as you can see from the title, I am exhausted lately. I've hit a huge slump and nothing makes me happy anymore. I do stuff that has always made me happy and not even that works right now. I want to sleep 24/7 but that is not doable considering I am Mom and Mom can't do that. Mom has to mom. I try hyping myself up to get through the day, and I do get through it. 

                               Yesterday I had been hyping myself up all week knowing I was gonna get to sit and play catch up on TV shows with hubby. He seemed like he didn't even want to be sitting with me and watching our usual shows. He just seemed pissy and angry. I get excited when I get to watch stuff that I enjoy. He complains we don't do anything together and then when we do, well, he gets like that. Him being like that causes me to get in a slump then.

                              I sit and write when I can and the past week I haven't wanted to write at all. I get the stuff written that I want to get it down and all, but then I stop and just sit and stare at the computer monitor. My house is slowly falling apart too. The kitchen is a disaster and I have no fucking will or energy to clean it. I forced myself to do laundry yesterday. I still have like a load or two to go which isn't awful, but getting the energy to do it sucks. 

                              I sat with my daughter one day this week to talk about stuff going on in her life and it instantly drained all of my energy. When I have any type of conversation thats serious and needs done, my energy just poofs away. I wish people understood this. Just talking about stuff that bothers me is mentally draining and then being pushed to talk about it at times just makes the drainage worse. I'm exhausted just writing any of this. That's how bad it's gotten.

                               Some people think that when the depression is this bad, just to end it. Have I thought about that? Yeah, I have, but then what does that solve? I leave family and friends wondering why? And sad and depressed because I'm gone. That's not fair to do that to anyone. I don't want to leave my kids wondering why mommy was so down that she had to do that. 

                               So I think for right now I keep trying to do things that make me happy to see if I can get my happiness back. List of things that make me happy.....

1. Gaming
2. writing
3. going out and spending time with the kids
4. watching my shows

                           Those are a few things that keep me going. Also, it's the start of the holiday seasons starting. I hate the holidays anymore. I'm hoping this year I can get away with just getting the kids a couple of things. I don't wanna go overboard with crap they won't use anymore. All they do is sit on electronics. I'll get them Roblox cards and they can do whatever with them.

                                So I mentioned about watching my shows before. You ask, hmm...what does Sparrow like to watch? Well we watch Law and Order SVU and Law and Order Organized Crime.

             I was beyond excited when I heard Chris Meloni was coming back to be Elliot Stabler. Now I will say if you're behind and just starting with the new show, you have to flip back and forth between Organized Crime and SVU because they do crossover a lot. It's been very awesome seeing him back in the Law and Order world. All good stuff so far.

                Not a fan of this season's look though. Praying he gets to shave this off at some point. He is one of the few who I don't think can pull this look off. I like him clean shaven.

                 Last night we also sat and watched a movie. We watch Spiral with Chris Rock and Samuel L. Jackson. Spiral comes from the book of Saw. so it's a Saw movie. Did I enjoy it? It was alright. I feel like there could have been more traps in the movie. I think there was a grand total of 4? It wasn't much. I felt like it wasn't a true Saw movie because not a lot of traps. Am I curious to know if there's going to be another movie? Yeah, I am. There's definitely an opening for another to be made.

              Chris Rock did a very good job with the role he played in the movie. Would it be one of the Saw movies I say was amazing? No. I wouldn't. The best will always be the very first one. Nothing will ever top that one in my eyes. 

               I want to sit and watch Black Widow today but I have a feeling it's not going to happen because raisins. (yes I just said raisins. It's the new way to say reasons. lol)

               I have to go out today and get two kiddos picture day clothes. I asked my oldest where she wants to go and she's like Hot Topic. I'm like oh. Okay. Yeah, Kayla isn't a girly girl anymore. She likes anime and goth type stuff. I don't mind. I want her to be her herself and if that's what makes her comfy, then by all means, go for it. So we'll see what she wants to wear for picture day. Alex may not have a choice. I may pick his clothes out. 

              Next weekend we're going costume shopping. Kayla actually already got hers because we had to order from Amazon. She's being a character from My Hero Academia.

           Emma wants to be Anna from Frozen and Alex wants to be Spiderman(of course). I have been told that I have to be Jack Sparrow because I am Sparrow. So I think I found a girly type Jack Sparrow costume I wanna get. The other downside about Halloween is that it's a Sunday. Which means Hubby will be working. Which means if we go trick or treating, I'm taking the kids by myself. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I need a city that's doing this on Saturday so I can have a little help. I'm not sure what I want Brianna to be yet. She loves Blue's Clues and Bubble Guppies. Maybe I can find something. 

             But that's all I have for now. Gonna try lifting my head up high and continuing on with whatever life this is. I shall speak with you guys when I can!