I saw you again...

 I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes because for the first time in almost 9 months, I saw you in my dream. We didn't get to speak because i was walking down some stairs to head into another room, but you were sitting on a couch. For some reason your legs were in some black leg braces, which was weird to me. On top of seeing you, I saw Pa(Grandpa) in my dreams as well. I didn't get to speak with him either. It hurt we didn't get to talk, but it was good to see you again. I do nothing but cry still. I wish I could stop the pain, but I can't. I've always heard it gets easier as time passes but it hasn't gotten any easier. These past months I've been doing anything and everything to keep my mind busy but the moment I step into my van, I just listen to music and cry. Sometimes I'll sit at the pc and cry. I know you wouldn't want me crying over you but it's hard. The positive things going for me right now are that for some reason people find me hilarious on Twitch. I've slowly been growing. You'd probably laugh at all the stupid shit I do. I keep chugging along and growing my little community. The kids keep doing stupid shit that would make you laugh. Brianna is sitting next to me and she just said "Dicks" so I'm doing this parenting thing well I guess. I've gained some "family" over these months as well. People who I consider brothers and sisters who have helped me so much threw all of this. They let me vent to them if necessary or we just sit around and hang on the video games. I still wish I understood why you did what you did, but I don't think I ever will. I love you and miss you a lot and will keep on trucking through life the best I can. 

Thoughts rolling

 I don't even know where I want to start with this post as I have a million things running through my mind. So I'm just going to type out what's going through it I guess. Sitting and listening to a song currently that I've heard my son, who is 7 by the way, listening to at times. Now I may be reading into more than I should, but maybe I'm not. Sometimes kids try telling us stuff without telling us. He seems to listen to it a bit after getting yelled at. The song is called Love is Gone by SLANDER.

I finally sat and listened to it, and I hope these feelings aren't running through him because it would break my heart completely. Alex has been quite the handful lately. He's been getting yelled at numerous times a day. I need to figure something out. Last weekend I took 3 of the kids to the aquarium. We were good until we hit the gift shop which you have to walk through to exit the building. Kind of sucks honestly. Alex started up though because he wanted to buy something and I'm like no we don't have the money so within 2 seconds I was a mean mommy and some other choice words. So we went from a good day of having fun at the aquarium to a crap drive home. Alex has always been a handful and we do have good days that i enjoy when they happen. He vibes off of me though as well and I need to get better about keeping my mood up as well. I yell at everyone else about that but fail to do the same for myself. I need some ideas or something for a me and Alex day. Something he might enjoy. Hard to do much with the weather getting colder with outside stuff. I know we'll figure something out though. 

Relationship stuff going on right now. As of right now we're doing good. We did have some issues that got sorted. Had to have a talk and explain numerous times that I was only friends with someone and nothing more. Unfortunately happens every time I hang more with guy friends. It's automatically I'm trying to get in their pants. No. Not the case. This friend is more along the lines of adopted little brother now. Friends and family help each other out any way they can and I did that for this person over the past few months and will continue to help them out if I can. Even if it's just by talking, because lets face it, we all need to vent at times. I don't mind being an ear for anyone to just vent. I don't mind helping out either as long as I'm able to. 

Streaming life right now. Gosh where do I begin? Streams have been going really well. I've been on a Friday evening schedule lately. I like doing the Friday streams. Sometimes throw in a surprise Saturday or Sunday if possible. Hell I threw in a Monday stream the other day and had a good time. Jamie is living her best life right now. She is no longer with The Stone Family. She helped create the current group she's in with a few friends and her mans is back in the city. They are now in SoT...no not Sea of Thieves. LOL. Sinners of Truth. I like it. It's catchy. We're a motorcycle gang or club as they are called in the RP world. Is Jamie an excellent motorcycle driver? Ummmm..... you decide by watching the tiktok. Jamie's new Bike Jamie and friends will be moving to a new server when it's finished. It's still being worked on. The plan when we move servers is to memory wipe our characters. So Jamie, Sadie, and Bobby will be re-meeting one another and I can't wait to play that out. Not too sure if Jamie will be starting from scratch relationship wise or what. Those details haven't been worked out. The server move will hopefully be in the next month or so. It's a process getting a server ready. Until then, all the shenanigans on OverTime RP.

The holidays are approaching quickly. It's freaking scary as hell. The kids all do electronics so I just don't know what to do for gifts except money for games and stuff for them but thats hard to put under the tree. Brie likes books so she'll get a bunch of those I'm sure. Kayla is big into anime. Alex and Emma are the hard ones. Roblox and Fortnite mostly. I'll figure something out as I always do. 

I think for now my brain is empty on thoughts I wanted to type out. Still don't really know what to do with my hands. It's a big thing I say lately. So I'm going to figure something out to do. Maybe a little power wash sim. Hope you all have a good day! Love you all!

It's just RP...

 

              Boy, 2 posts within a week or two of each other. Stop the presses. I needed to do some more venting though. Last night I had gotten into an argument with the hubby about something in my mind that was dumb. So as I stated in my last post, I do some RPing on GTA. My character I play on has had the most wild 2 weeks! Let's roll it back though and give you some backstory on Jamie since she's been in the big city now....

               Jamie Fraser(if you know, you know) moved to the city around mid May this year. She stayed pretty quiet for the first few days and did some fishing and some mining. On one of her trips into the gas station to grab food, she had met Gary Longbottom. He attempted to steal her car....allegedly. After that meeting, the two would talk from time to time and Gary would bring Jamie chickie nuggs. Since Jamie didn't have a place to stay Gary gave her keys to his place. From there, the relationship took off. Now Gary is a crim in the city, so he spends a lot of time in jail. Jamie wouldn't really ask him about his business because she didn't want to know. She felt the less she knew, the better. 

                Gary asked Jamie to marry him around a month ago I wanna say while they were having a fun party night on a boat. Jamie was pretty excited about it because it meant double wedding with her friend Xena. Jamie was excited about getting to start wedding planning and getting things going.

                 This past month though, Gary has had issues flying into the city and even seeing Jamie because conflicting schedules and all. Jamie has started to get lonely over this past month. On one of her trips to the smelter(where you take mining materials to get metals made to make other items), Jamie made a wrong turn and ran into a huge propane tank. Enter in Lt John Collins, the only officer in the city that night who came to save her. Jamie was a little slap happy from the explosion and may have called him daddy. That kicked off their joking around with each other every time they would run into each other.

                   John and Jamie were both going through some things so they took a day, got dressed up and went out around the city. This day was such a disaster. John fell off Mt Chilliad, John caught himself on fire at the beach, and then Jamie got a little too close to the military base. It was a very rough day for sure.

                 Jamie and John's big thing is just sitting and talking though. Jamie feels like she can be more of herself with him. Guilt slowly started to eat at her though and she got a little drunk one night with John and ended up on a Yacht with John.

 

                  

                   Yup, Jamie ended up cheating on Gary. Now Jamie can't seem to stay away from John because she did grow to have feelings for him. Now with Gary having issues flying in, she's stuck right now. She wants to move forward with John but can't do anything until she speaks with Gary. Friends have started questioning why Jamie is hanging around John so much and getting suspicious. So Jamie has a lot on her plate right now and many decisions to make.

                      Now with all this backstory out there, IRL hubby has gotten angry with me for making Jamie be this way. He thinks Jamie is my way of being able to flirt with other guys. I looked at him angrily and told him, "it's RP, not real life. Nothing is happening between me and any of these guys I talk with." He's taking this more seriously than he needs to and not deciphering the RP from real life. He started this argument while i was playing last night which actually effected my RP. I went pretty silent last night while playing when generally I'm loud and out there. It hurts me a lot to think that I'm taking this all as real life type situations and i actually love these guys. I love them as friends and talk with them in discord but just as friends. IRL Gary is married with 4 kids as well so we have that in common and IRL John has a GF. I play a game with friends and escape my real life and now I'm getting treated poorly for the actions MY CHARACTER is playing. I just hope he finally understands at some point that I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing.

                       

                 I know this was probably a weird post for some of you, but thank you for letting me vent. I needed it. I think Jamie update posts will be a thing coming up so I can keep the posts going. Also if you'd like to keep up with any of the Jamie/Gary/John storylines, we all stream or there are streams you can check out where those characters will make appearances.

Jamie Fraser

Gary Longbottom

John Collins

Chase McDade

Depression is a killer

                       

                       I didn't realize it has been like 9 months since I've posted a blog. My depression has taken over more than I care to admit anymore. The biggest blow to my depression came in May. I was just casually sitting around for the day watching Twitch I'm sure and enjoying my May 5th(Revenge of the Fifth if you will) Well phone calls and texts came through that eventually lead to me learning that my brother had killed himself. Learning the news my chest felt heavy and I felt like I couldn't breathe and that it was just a dream. It wasn't real. I ran to my bedroom gasping for my breath and trying to wake Joey. When he finally was able to understand me through my screaming and crying he held me and let me cry. My first call was to one of my besties(Adrienne) and she just let me cry and talk when I needed to. I had called my other bestie(Amber) but she was at work. I had left her a voicemail saying to call me back when she could. She called me back not much longer after knowing something was wrong because I never call and leave voicemails.

                       After I got off the phone with them, I had to start making the family phone calls. Actually the family phone calls came first, then I called the besties. Sorry. Brain is braining today. As always after I couldn't get a hold of my mom, I called the first family member I always call....my nephew Nick. We've always been first phone calls with family deaths. In the case of my other brother who had passed due to a heart attack, Drew was my first call but he had his phone on do not disturb. But then Nick was the next call. Me and Nick are more like siblings rather than nephew and aunt since we have a 4 year age gap. And as with any family death, everyone came to my house.

                        My family is not one to really show emotions. The people who came over were my mom, sister, nephew, niece, and my brothers ex(Frank). You may ask yourself why my brothers current BF at the time was not involved too much with talking with the family and coming over to figure things out. Well, one he doesn't drive. Two, he was partial reason to blame for my brothers death. I know what you're thinking, don't play the blame game. He was cheating on my brother though which lead to some depression eating at my brother and the cheating was the final straw. When Frank got to my house, i gave him a long hug and just cried. 

                          Planning everything for my brother was something I never wanted to do. I kept telling everyone that I think once we have the funeral, I'll be ok. I will be at peace going through this and just letting his soul rest. For the first time ever, I don't feel at peace. I still feel like this isn't real and it will be 3 months in August already. With every funeral I've been to with someone I've loved, there's always been a body for me to see and make the realization they are gone. I didn't get that with Drew because He shot himself in the head. I was told it was best I didn't see him. I agreed to that. I didn't get the closure I wanted though and I hate that. I don't know what I can do at this point for the closure I need. 

                         My depression has been awful over these past 2.5 months. I have days where I just don't talk to people and they text saying, are you ok? Are you alive? I then have to tell them I'm okay but just having a day. They understand, but I hate that I'm still this way. I wanna be myself again. I feel like I'm Robin Williams trying to make the world smile and have a smile on my face but deep down I'm crying and screaming inside to just be done with life too. I can't leave my babies though. They need me. So I'm not gonna take that way out. 

                         The best therapy I've gotten over these past 2 months is getting into some roleplay on GTA. I mod for an amazing streamer on Twitch who does GTA RP and after watching him for over a year, I thought I would give it a go. The people I have met in just these 2 months have been amazing fucking human beans(yup I said beans) and I love them all. All the laughs we have and all the adventures we go on. 

                           The one person I met not long after getting in the city, as we say, hit my soul a little more. She rolled up in a truck that was painted like the Scooby Doo vehicle. My brother loved Scooby Doo so I think that was him from above sending Miss Salley into my life for fun and laughs and just chill girl hangout time. We run around with Xena at times and cut chickens heads off. 

                            I want to say thank you to all of my "family" for making a lot of my days better even though at times after I would "fly out" I would go back into my depression. So thank you to Ben, Xena, Chase, Ed, Bobby, Cat, Don, Preston, Skippy, Steven, Bernard, Victor, Shoresy, James, John, Smiley, Mac, Phyl, Royce, Salley, and Tony. A huge special thank you to my in game fiance Gary. I love all of you guys and thank you for bearing with me on my quiet days. Sometimes I just needed to be in the city and just listening to you guys be nuts. Theres a few new members of the family who I haven't had much contact with but I love you guys as well!

                           Also Ben(Stone), you almost made me cry the other day. When we did the scene of you telling Jamie you knew I had an uncle in the city, you worded it the way my brother used to word stuff. "A little birdie told me". When me and my brother would keep secrets from people we would say that and I was always the little birdie to him. So thank you! Love you lots bud!

                            I know my brother is in a better place but I just wish he wouldn't have taken the way out that he did. I would've sat and talked with him. I always tell everyone I will sit and talk with them through anything. I know people are still reaching out for me to make sure I'm still okay. A lot of times I say no. I'm still not doing well. I hope at some point I do get to say I am doing a lot better and back to myself. 

                            So please, if you are someone who is not doing well, reach out to a friend or family member. They will sit and listen because planning a funeral for someone you love when they don't expect it is the worst. I will always love my big brother. I miss you a lot Drew Nerd. I still can't go in the basement at night because of you but I love you.

Exhausted from depression

                              Well as you can see from the title, I am exhausted lately. I've hit a huge slump and nothing makes me happy anymore. I do stuff that has always made me happy and not even that works right now. I want to sleep 24/7 but that is not doable considering I am Mom and Mom can't do that. Mom has to mom. I try hyping myself up to get through the day, and I do get through it. 

                               Yesterday I had been hyping myself up all week knowing I was gonna get to sit and play catch up on TV shows with hubby. He seemed like he didn't even want to be sitting with me and watching our usual shows. He just seemed pissy and angry. I get excited when I get to watch stuff that I enjoy. He complains we don't do anything together and then when we do, well, he gets like that. Him being like that causes me to get in a slump then.

                              I sit and write when I can and the past week I haven't wanted to write at all. I get the stuff written that I want to get it down and all, but then I stop and just sit and stare at the computer monitor. My house is slowly falling apart too. The kitchen is a disaster and I have no fucking will or energy to clean it. I forced myself to do laundry yesterday. I still have like a load or two to go which isn't awful, but getting the energy to do it sucks. 

                              I sat with my daughter one day this week to talk about stuff going on in her life and it instantly drained all of my energy. When I have any type of conversation thats serious and needs done, my energy just poofs away. I wish people understood this. Just talking about stuff that bothers me is mentally draining and then being pushed to talk about it at times just makes the drainage worse. I'm exhausted just writing any of this. That's how bad it's gotten.

                               Some people think that when the depression is this bad, just to end it. Have I thought about that? Yeah, I have, but then what does that solve? I leave family and friends wondering why? And sad and depressed because I'm gone. That's not fair to do that to anyone. I don't want to leave my kids wondering why mommy was so down that she had to do that. 

                               So I think for right now I keep trying to do things that make me happy to see if I can get my happiness back. List of things that make me happy.....

1. Gaming
2. writing
3. going out and spending time with the kids
4. watching my shows

                           Those are a few things that keep me going. Also, it's the start of the holiday seasons starting. I hate the holidays anymore. I'm hoping this year I can get away with just getting the kids a couple of things. I don't wanna go overboard with crap they won't use anymore. All they do is sit on electronics. I'll get them Roblox cards and they can do whatever with them.

                                So I mentioned about watching my shows before. You ask, hmm...what does Sparrow like to watch? Well we watch Law and Order SVU and Law and Order Organized Crime.

             I was beyond excited when I heard Chris Meloni was coming back to be Elliot Stabler. Now I will say if you're behind and just starting with the new show, you have to flip back and forth between Organized Crime and SVU because they do crossover a lot. It's been very awesome seeing him back in the Law and Order world. All good stuff so far.

                Not a fan of this season's look though. Praying he gets to shave this off at some point. He is one of the few who I don't think can pull this look off. I like him clean shaven.

                 Last night we also sat and watched a movie. We watch Spiral with Chris Rock and Samuel L. Jackson. Spiral comes from the book of Saw. so it's a Saw movie. Did I enjoy it? It was alright. I feel like there could have been more traps in the movie. I think there was a grand total of 4? It wasn't much. I felt like it wasn't a true Saw movie because not a lot of traps. Am I curious to know if there's going to be another movie? Yeah, I am. There's definitely an opening for another to be made.

              Chris Rock did a very good job with the role he played in the movie. Would it be one of the Saw movies I say was amazing? No. I wouldn't. The best will always be the very first one. Nothing will ever top that one in my eyes. 

               I want to sit and watch Black Widow today but I have a feeling it's not going to happen because raisins. (yes I just said raisins. It's the new way to say reasons. lol)

               I have to go out today and get two kiddos picture day clothes. I asked my oldest where she wants to go and she's like Hot Topic. I'm like oh. Okay. Yeah, Kayla isn't a girly girl anymore. She likes anime and goth type stuff. I don't mind. I want her to be her herself and if that's what makes her comfy, then by all means, go for it. So we'll see what she wants to wear for picture day. Alex may not have a choice. I may pick his clothes out. 

              Next weekend we're going costume shopping. Kayla actually already got hers because we had to order from Amazon. She's being a character from My Hero Academia.

           Emma wants to be Anna from Frozen and Alex wants to be Spiderman(of course). I have been told that I have to be Jack Sparrow because I am Sparrow. So I think I found a girly type Jack Sparrow costume I wanna get. The other downside about Halloween is that it's a Sunday. Which means Hubby will be working. Which means if we go trick or treating, I'm taking the kids by myself. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I need a city that's doing this on Saturday so I can have a little help. I'm not sure what I want Brianna to be yet. She loves Blue's Clues and Bubble Guppies. Maybe I can find something. 

             But that's all I have for now. Gonna try lifting my head up high and continuing on with whatever life this is. I shall speak with you guys when I can!

I thought things were going good

Well, I'm here so that must mean something is bothering me enough to want to share. How did my summer go you ask? Well, my daughter got surgery. She did amazing and had the cast for a month. I had to carry her when she needed to get moved around. She's slowly getting back on her feet. She uses her walker at home.

Here's a pic of her in the cast. Getting the cast off was a fun adventure. Took the nurse a few minutes because it was not wanting to come off at all.

This is a pic right after. She had pins in her foot that got removed. Her foot is all healed up now. As I said above, she is using her walker to get around the house. At school she has been using a wheelchair but the school nurse decided to call and bitch about that one today. I get she needs to be up more to get muscles working but I'm not trying to exhaust the girl so quickly. So Monday I will be sending her to school with her walker. I better hear that they give her ample time for walking around the building or I will fight someone.

What else is going on in my life? The kids are back in school for the year. So during the day it's just me and the baby. I say baby even though she's 3. She is the baby though so yeah. She has to go for some testing because it's looking as if she may have Autism or some form of it. The testing will give us answers. I also need to get her going with some speech therapy and occupational therapy. Lots of fun stuff with her during the next year I'm sure.

How is my streaming going? I've moved stream down to one day a week and it's been going great for me honestly. I have also cut Battle Royale games from my streams. Been doing a lot of Single player story type games. The last few games have been horror games. Everyone seems to love a good jump scare from me. Definitely been boosting the views which has been fun seeing myself grow little by little. Baby Steps.

Now I say streams have been going good and they have, until I get screamed at for stuff happening in chat. Now if you know me, you know I've had a gutter brain since middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL. This is nothing new to people. Does gutter brain come out on stream? Fuck yeah it does. So if you come in my stream and people happen to be using the word dildo, it's because i said something. Does it carry on the whole stream? No. We move on after a minute or so. Everyone uses sexual innuendos. It's just how times are these days. If you come in my stream and tell me the streamer to chill out, I'm gonna say something. I don't care who you are. Yes me and hubby got into it because I had complete control of MY stream and he flips out on a few people. I'm like yes we talked about dildos because there was an object in the game I was playing that looked like one. Did we talk about it the rest of stream? Nope. We didn't. After a minute or two, everyone went back to trying to help me out because I was stuck on a part for like 40 minutes. (I now have PTSD over mannequins)

But yelling at me about something as dumb as that is ridiculous. Then to top it off, today's argument was really stupid. I'm not a fan of those huge paranormal shows on TV because I feel like they do stuff at times for the views. Well a friend of mine does Paranormal investigations and has posted stuff on YouTube. Check out Zero! He has a fucking shit fit because I will jump to watch a friend doing this but won't watch the stuff on TV with him. I tried explaining that I think the stuff on TV is fake and he's like well how do you know his stuff isn't fake? Um, I sat in voice chat with him and watched him edit the fucking video! As always though I'm in the wrong. 

I've done nothing but cuddle with my new Squishmallow today because I just need all the squishes. Is it helping? A little. Have I cried? Absolutely. Am I tired of crying? Yeah. We've had a good few months and here we are again. Torn down and beat up.(not literally) Can we also talk about the fact that "Thunder Rolls" just started playing as I started typing this paragraph. Crazy how our playlists know us. 

On a final note before I end this post, if you're in The Basement discord or even my own discord server, if I'm in a VC and not talking, I'm having a rough day and just want to listen to others talk. I don't want to talk or even start crying, but just be happy to be around friends that make me smile. Love you all and until next time!

  

Why do I do this to myself?

 Well here I am. Something stupid must have happened in my life again for me to be here to tell you guys about it. Well it did so, that's what I plan on doing. 

 Saturday I had planned a month before hand on going out to lunch with my bestie for her birthday. It ended up turning into me going with 2 of my besties since their birthdays are just 2 days apart. Originally we planned on going to McAlister's Deli and i was going to surprise them and pay for it. Well, I got there and bestie texts and says "hey, Brian is treating, you wanna go somewhere else?" I'm like "it's your birthday, you pick." So we ended up going to B.J's Steakhouse. Very good food! Highly recommend. Well I was in a mood that day already because I had found out an old friend had passed away a few years back. So I'm like fuck it! I'm gonna drink. I had ONE margarita....okay, I'll be realistic. I had 1/4th of a margarita, but I'm a suuuuuuuuper lightweight and yeah. So we ate our food and drank our drinks. After that we went to the mall, TJ MAXX, 5 Below and Burlington. Well we ended up being out from 2 until 730. I got home at 8.

 Well with me being out alll day long like that, apparently it means I was out with more than just my friends. I was questioned who all I was with. I was furious when I was asked this. I'm like I was with my girls and my girls only. Then he decided my girls boyfriend was with us because he had paid for the food. I'm like he wasn't. Not even sure why that would matter. So the long and short of the situation is, he thinks I was out cheating because I was out as long as I was. 

 I've been pissed off and angry for the past 24 hours. He's been childish and not speaking to me because who the hell even knows. I've avoided doing things while he's home because hey, might get accused of cheating again. So now it seems I cant even hang out with my girls without getting accused of shit. I guess I'm just destined to be stuck in the house forever and play house wife.

 

I feel like Cinderella and hell even Belle at times....Stockholm Syndrome. I can't leave because I have no family to take me and 4 kids in. My mother currently lives with us and she would be the only one I would go to. I can't go out and get a job because no one to watch the kids. I'm trying to make money doing the twitch thing, but I can never enjoy myself when I stream anymore. I've buried myself in my PC playing Sims because it's the only enjoyment I get anymore. Can't be trusted anymore with anything......just let the depression go even further in.